Sunday, September 30, 2007


The sea was angry today. I came down to find the beach missing. There was nothing but waves and anger.

Though, what may have seemed like anger actually felt more to me like pure unbridled energy. The wind thrashed and begged me to the water's edge. I found this boat, capsized and filling with water. Someone had obviously found it hitting the shore and tethered it so it wouldn't be lost. Despite it being a boat and all, I couldn't help but feel a kind of synthesis with it, as if it were playing out my story.

I often wonder if I am sinking or afloat? My energy is often so low that I stay in bed feeling ill. I no longer see the same person in me. I constantly refer to "before" and what I "used" to be able to do. Sometimes I feel like a middle aged man who can't stop talking about his football days. I suppose it hasn't been that long, only a year and a half. Sometimes I feel angry.

I watched the boat and thought about the people who I've known during this time, who have been lost. I hear so much about "attitude" and how it can make such a difference. I've always felt very confident that this would all be a bump in the road for me. I've dealt with worse. Well this is one hell of a bump. Were those people who didn't make it unsure? Hell yes. Is that why they sank? I doubt it. Cancer is something which you have no control over. You become a "yes man" to the Dr.s and pray.

Cancer treatment is pretty harsh and unnatural. Some people wonder if it's worth it? Some people will do anything to stay. I watched the boat break apart under the crushing waves which came one by one, unrelenting. The poor battered boat probably didn't look so old and abandoned yesterday.

As I walked down the beach to head home I couldn't help but think how tomorrow the wind would be tamer.

That boat could be hauled in and have the water bailed out.

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