To my ex

I won't miss you.

Your presence in my life is over... we are over. Let me be one thousand percent crystal clear, we will not meet again. I am tired of being afraid of you, I'm tired of you butting in to my life every day. You didn't let me go out with friends, you didn't let me have fun, you didn't support the fact that I have things to do with my life. My life is important.

You tried to stop me from finishing university even though I had worked so hard to get that diploma. You scared off all but the most loyal of my friends. The mere mention of you makes people cringe.

You completely railroaded my life without any thought for the consequences it would have. You kept me from achieving my dreams, my goals, you fucked up my future.

You are the freak'n wet blanket on my pinata party.

Well guess what? I refuse to be bullied. I refuse to be taken down. I refuse to see my life as wasted space because my dreams are now little more than ashes after a fire.

I will build new dreams. I will conquer new territory. I will be the G_d damned Queen of my own life! There is no space for you here.

I am making new friends, new connections and creating a place for myself in this empty void that was my life. Despite you, my life exists and is like an empty canvas or that clean white sheet of paper. Or maybe even that beach of smooth sand after the tide has gone out. I can draw whatever I want here.

I have new wants, new joys, new tastes, new values and new skills. I will use those to thrive and enjoy and to cherish every moment I have on this dirtpile. I will create and seek joy in every facet and every corner because being alive mostly kicks ass (except for when it doesn't). Without you I will live to be an eccentric old lady that dresses in wild colours and maybe I will decorate my bicycle basket with fake flowers or stand in a courtyard and make giant bubbles for the passerby.

I'm going to do things I've never done before. Perhaps I will become a hoola hooper extraordinaire, spin fire or become a roller girl. Maybe I'll dye my hair fuchsia for the summer, bungee jump or buy and wear sexy matching pantie sets. I'm going to climb mountains and cliff jump at Paradise into the river. I might live at a lake for a while and undoubtedly try out being a burlesque dancer. And I will ski.

My list is not going anywhere. I will achieve just like I have always achieved but in completely different ways. I no longer have preconceived notions of what my life should be. I had already burned down that white picket fence anyway.

But I digress. You are gone.

I rule, cancer drools.

Bitch'n Badass Day (! WOOHOO !)

This is my official cancerversary photo saying, Three Years, and ,Fuck Cancer, in a gnarly, badass type of way.


Instead of bungee jumping I actually spent the day in Vancouver for my gyno-oncologist appointment. Woohoo (oh, sweet sarcasm). What a way to spend my day.

My chances to do something wild and exciting have been thwarted. I will try again tomorrow.

3rd Cancerversary

Cancer, I crrrush you!


I'm still alive, Baby! Three years and cancer can kiss my ass!


I can strike a pose.


Or contemplate the rest of my life!


Today is about celebration! Life has given me three more years!

I'm gearing up for a great day! Hope your day is great as well.

FIRE, FLOOD & ZOMBIES 2, minus the fire and the zombies

Zombies.

They're not here yet but I suspect they're on their way.


I have just experienced flood # 2, yes NUMBER 2, since I moved in here 4 months ago. This one wasn't even my fault.


I've been dealing with a lot of pent up emotional stuff recently and things have been coming at me like a roller coaster. I had just hauled myself off to the cancer councilor and as I was walking home I got a little skip in my step and felt this sense of calm float over me. I thought, "Everything is going to be okay." I rejoiced in my brief prelude to happiness.


Then I opened my front door.


Something was amiss.

My son was perched upon a chair on the phone and I heard him say, "Grandma, I gotta go." Then I saw the dark carpet and felt the squish of water under my feet. I ran in and everything was a blur until I found the hot water heater gushing gallons of water out the bottom. I cranked the main water valve and shut it off as quickly as I could.

Too late. The water continued creeping across the entire main floor as I called the custodian emergency line and grabbed a bucket and the dust pan. My son and I began scooping up water, filling buckets and moving anything important off the floor.

The destruction was complete. Luckily the custodian came as well as people with a machine that had water sucking capabilities. I panicked and called my older sons friends who came over and began moving furniture. The water heater was removed and replaced, the carpet was ripped up and all my furniture was piled in hallways, outside and my couch (as well as a huge painting) was dumped into my kitchen.


I have been living in hell and chaos ever since. Time to put on my big girl socks. Stripey socks can help you cope with most of life's maladies, and of course floods are a great excuse to take photos. Can you see the subtle visual sarcasm?


So, it turns out that this is what happens when you have a 17 year old water heater. I wish they had figured that out before I moved in.

Dancing Man

This is completely worth waiting for, to load.

Recuperating

Mind, Body & Soul

Nowhere, yet here

Well, I covered 2,050 Km (or 637 miles) in 6 days. Four days of driving and two full days of rest. I didn't know how I would feel after arriving home after my run for the hills.


For a brief period I was able to shed my life and not acknowledge the fact that I must be back by Tuesday to have my bloodwork taken and have a new ECG so they can put me on a new medication. I was able to pass the highway that leads to all of my doctors appointments and keep going. I was able to pass all of my specialists and not have to go in. I've had such a deep need to escape for so long. Running away worked for a brief period of time but I had to come back.

Truthfully, I could have stayed at the lake and become a lake person. I grew up around the ocean and swimming in rivers. The water is such a healing influence for me.


As a child I could stay under the water for so long that I though I could almost become one of the river creatures. Despite all my trying, I became a land creature instead. Now I walk the beaches.



This trip revealed a lot of things to me, not all of it nice. I feel as lost as ever about my life and what has happened to it.

I am nowhere that I want to be.