Happy Valentines Day

I know I've been AWOL for a while. I've gone back to work and it takes up all of my time. I did manage to get a few days off and spent a day full of solace, painting the large canvas I had gessoed recently.

I had no intentions for the canvas. I just grabbed a bunch of colours, a few brushes and went for it. I find painting a good way to process events & feelings in my life. Things are so good now I can hardly believe it, yet there is a lot of pain and uncertainty in other areas.

So I got out my paints in the chipper colours and painted out my pain. Holding the brush, I dipped into my paints and felt the texture of the much used canvas becoming something new.

Fun Day

The mountain and I had a date a few days ago. We haven't seen each other much since I started working again but I plan on making it more. There's nothing like the view after my own two feet have taken me to the top.

Still Struggling

I can't believe I'm still struggling. Things are going so well, yet it doesn't take much for a complete setback. I guess it's not a complete setback but it sure feels like it.

I had my flu shot a couple of weeks ago but before it could kick in my son had bronchitis and gave it to me. I'm pretty good at avoiding illnesses that pass through the house but this one caught me. I lost my voice for 6 days and had the worst sore throat. I went off to a clinic and then a few days after that my Dr. They swabbed me for strep but I guess it turned out to be viral rather than bacterial. I have been immobile for a week. Partway through after being on penicillin for a few days without improvement I started to get scared. Not much scares me but my mind does wonder when I get bruises.

I never had bruises even though they are the most common symptom of leukemia. So when I get them they make me wonder. Unfortunately being sick this week has paralleled my experience of when I was diagnosed and almost died. I found myself keeping my phone with me in bed in case I couldn't get up and needed to call for help. I even felt afraid that I might die in the night. I'm sure all those that have had cancer can relate to what I'm saying. What seems on the outside to be an irrational fear, becomes very plausible in a post cancer reality. This last week has been too, too similar to what was almost my very last week.

So I was able to tell my Dr. my fear and she helped assure me that it's most likely a flu.

So now that I've survived the week, I feel tired because I know what comes now. It's hard to get my body back to being like it was after even a week of being sick. It's always uphill. Why are things always up hill these days? So yesterday I managed to wash my hair. Today I managed to get dressed and I'm hoping to make it out of the house for a walk. At times like this I want to run but I'm back to baby steps. God I hate baby steps.

Inspiration

Starting Fresh

"She's doing the disabled thing again"

I've been working a lot lot, even when I probably shouldn't be. I say yes a lot even when I know it might knock me flat. I like to at least try.

The last few weeks at work (job #1) I've been covering for someone that has left even though I know I can't keep doing it, as well as working job #2. I've also been to a few outrageous parties (whole other story) when I probably should have stayed in bed. The only problem is that missing out on life isn't worth it so I try to mitigate the suffering that will follow. My days have been like this, work-work-work-work-rest/suffer-work-party-suffer-rest-work-work-work-work-work-suffer-party-suffer-suffer -work etc. I'm not complaining, this is the best things have been for years.

Yesterday one of my best friend's flew the coop. She has run off to Tokyo for a couple of years and we had a send off party for her. It's also my birthday this week. I've been slooowing down as the days go by.

So just now I went to wash my socks for work tomorrow. I found myself staring into a washing machine full of unclean towels. Then I looked into the dryer and there is a load of clean and dried boys things. I couldn't find the energy to switch them so I called both of my sons. They usually ignore me these days, now that my needs aren't so acute. They used to help me around when I was ill.

There must have been some sort of tone in my voice that they remembered because they both came running. They found me on the floor of the laundry room where I had sunk from exhaustion. Now that I'm working, the laundry has piled up to epic proportions. I just don't have the energy for it but I need clean socks for tomorrow so I don't repel my coworkers.

As I lay there concealed in mountains of bluejeans and T-shirts mumbling that I need clean socks, I heard my youngest say, "She's doing the disabled thing again."

They snickered at me, rolled me out into the hallway and switched the laundry.

Work Update

Things are moving so quickly. I have been getting habituated at work. It's been hard and hard on my body but I love it. I love being needed again. I love that I fit in.

I figured out the source of my extreme anxiety and stress. There had been an accident with a tiny neighbor child weeks ago and I was the first one one the scene. I was quick, calm and efficient but I did not know if the child was alive. I had just gotten ready for work and was boiling some water for tea when it happend and I heard the screams from the mother.

I ran out side with my phone and called 911. I attended the scene and helped as much as I could. Then when the paramedics came I went to work. It all spiralled down for me from there. Miracle upon miracles, the baby is okay. I have seen her smiling little face since and cannot believe she was alright. She had fallen on a spike that went 3cm into her little head right next to her eye. It somehow just punctured her nasal cavity and when she gets a little older there may hardly be a scar.

As for me my memory tanked and I couldn't concentrate at work enough to remember anything. I began making mistakes and feeling like I was going to be fired. Anxiety took me right over and I didn't want my kids to be out. My heart has been quickly pounding over next to nothing. It's unbearable at times.

Well, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The recent accident wasn't the cause it was just the trigger. The original trauma came when I was a girl. When I realized what was happening to me I felt a little better but it still continues. I'm hoping there's something that can be done.

As for work I'm glad to know it wasn't the reason I've been faltering so badly.

I do know that I need to build confidence at work and probably in life in general. Being unable to work for 5 years really affects your psyche. I often find myself second guessing my own judgment. I ask a lot of questions but now I realize I need to work things out for myself and know that I can come to the answer on my own. It's so weird. I feel like I'm reliving a part of my less secure life. I had times when I was young and made mistakes but grew into an intelligent woman who knows how to take care of things.

Feeling insecure is not something that I want to continue. As a person I am very confident and I know soon I will feel that in regards to work too.

"Just a bump in the road" is what a friend would say. My cancer would be just a bump in the road. Some bump.