A vs B

I've come to an important eye-opening conclusion about myself recently. I am a type A personality living in a type B body. My mind runs like it's a hyperactive squirrel in a wheel on speed, and my life and body used to live up to the task. Unfortunately these days my body is like the squirrel if it was actually that guy down the street that sits on his pleather couch in the basement drinking beer with his pants undone amidst empty pizza boxes.

My brain is usually in eager high production mode despite the fog of chemo brain but the body doesn't agree, in fact they are currently polar opposites. I spend a great deal of time in the 'idea phase' of all my hopes, dreams and plans, my creativity bouncing off the insides of my skull. In contrast, the cooperation and participation of my body is like that dead thing under your steps.

I spend too much of my time being frustrated with this conflict of A vs. B. I've never been that person who is happy the way life is right now and is content to placidly hang out and engage in small talk. I like to be producing, building and learning at all times or at least planning to. As a kid I was swinging from trees, fiercely competing with the boys for intellectual and physical superiority as well as living a thousand adventures in my imagination. I ran instead of walking, read and talked at an early age and drove my parents to near insanity with my stubborn will. I cut and drew on a hundred pieces of paper a day, which equated to my mom digging out my room so the floor, could be found at night. The next day I would start afresh and do it all again. Luckily my mother was a pillar of patience and my father worked at a paper mill.

As soon as I stepped into adulthood I fell into my parent’s taunting prophecy of, 'Just you wait until you have a kid like you, THEN you'll be sorry,' but in my usual fashion I did it X 3. Three beautiful, energetic sons were my apparent destiny. Soon after I ended up a single parent in a tragic fashion. Not one to let life get the best of me I eventually picked myself up off the floor and plowed forward enrolling in post secondary so I could get that degree.

My inner mantra was to do everything at 110% capacity but in reality it was much beyond that. I expected myself to do my best of my best at all times. My drive was expected to take me to my MBA and being a creative CEO of a large corporation. I graduated with first class honours and distinction in my undergraduate degree from the top University in Canada while single handedly wrangling and funneling my children's energy into being safe, alive, functioning, good people. It was working…

Then cancer showed up.

Now my housecoat is my power suit, my pants are stretchy and my plans have changed. In the last 3 years I've put the same effort into learning patience as I have in living my life.

The squirrel has been shot.

Yet my brain says go and my body says no. I often wonder, am I lazy? Is this what it's like? Do I not care? But I do. I wrestle daily to fuse the capacity of my motivation with the sluggishness of my body.

There has been many times since cancer where I try to stubbornly push and function out of sheer will but it's no longer possible. My legs will give out and my hands will stop working. I trip. I fall. My body is no sucker; it's on vacation and has shacked up with the type B life. What takes one person an hour to do may take me days or weeks to get done. Time slips unmercifully past. I'm humbly learning that no amount of stubborn willpower or good intentions will get any job done until the rest of me is able. In short, cancer has kicked my ass all over the place.

So, in a twist of fate, the brakes have been put on and I haven’t been able to be a workaholic ever since. I’ve been forced to slow down and re-evaluate what it was that I was racing for. Rather than running for the future I’ve had to get to know today and even more so, get to know me. Weirdly, this new reality has reunited me with the pieces of the person who I was as a child, the one who I was at the beginning before I hit hyper drive towards goals of academic achievement.

At the beginning I was a child with insurmountable curiosity. The world was adrift in adventure whether it was the apple tree in the back yard, jumping off the high diving board when nobody was looking or exploring the cavernous dangers of the crawlspace under the house when my mom was occupied. So much trouble to get into, so little time.

So I’m the same but never to be the same. I’ve come to terms with the fact that the couch has become my best friend and I might want cable. I struggle to take today for what it is and be active in creating the moments that bring me joy. I look for adventures in my backyard, find reasons to laugh and wear a blue wig because I can. Type A does the adventuring and type B does the writing. If that partnership doesn't work out then I'll let them fight it out to the finish in a cage match.

Fantastical News!

I have 100 followers! You love me! Thank you so much for that :) Lots of kisses to you.

I also was blown away Friday night. Some friends had a girls night for me and told me that they are nominating me for "The Courage to Come Back Award". I almost cried but my tear ducts weren't working last night (graft/vs/host problem). Not being able to cry sucks but I had a lovely evening all the same. They actually asked me some questions about what I've been through, and it was really nice to just be able to talk about it a little bit. I don't often get to talk about that and they gave me the best feeling of being appreciated and listened to. I felt it healed a little part of me that day.

It also made me realize that maybe what I'm doing is helping people going through the same thing. I may never meet you and you might never have left a comment but I feel the love from you all. When readers leave little notes for me to say what my blog meant to them I lock it in my heart and it stays with me.

Unfortunately I was asked to submit comments from my blog readers, saying how I may have inspired you or helped in some way. I don't have those comments placed anywhere so I was hoping if you felt like helping me achieve this, then could you perhaps put a comment on my blog about how I inspired/helped or touched you in any way. I will add those to the application.

The deadline is looming and I need them all wrapped up by this Wednesday, February 10th, or it might be okay early Thurdays. Link for the award site. http://coastmentalhealth.com/courage.html Please leave the comments here on my blog or through my email;

GoBaldylocks
{at} gmail
{dot} com

Let's show them that people diagnosed with cancer can kick some ass!

Hen Partay

It utterly amazes me how drunk one can get from 3 glasses of wine.



I thought I may as well add this photo of the ManCandy dressed as Pocahontas from Halloween. That's me in the background taking photos. It's not often you get to see a guy in a short skirt hula hooping in a hoop you made.

Personally I think men should do that more often.

Pawn Shop

Being a mom to 3 sons has always been interesting... or maybe I should have put that in quotation marks? Being a mom to 3 sons has always been "interesting". They are active to the point of bouncing off the walls, they used to climb trees bigger than my house and they always had at least 5 friends over at a time when they would just be a blur as they circled around and around the house. I have always been extremely active in their lives and knowing what they are up to and in to. Sometimes it's not so much fun knowing that stuff but that's my job.

I have to be there, be open and loving and also be the bootcamp leader, and the one who says "No" and mean it. Basically I have to play "Bad Cop/ Good Cop" all on my own. I want them to feel loved, respected, listened to, trusted and protected, although the last few years they have become my protectors. They have an amazing reflex to catch me when I wobble and I haven't hit the ground yet!

Despite being fairly "in the know" about what they do, I also know that they are all decent, good kindhearted people. They have boundaries and interests and are not afraid to lend a hand to help someone out. And the mischief they have gotten into as teenagers has been more about climbing up places they shouldn't be. Really, I like them more now than I ever have. Damn it, I like my teenagers!

So my youngest comes home today after school and tells me how his friend and him went to a pawn shop. They traded old games for new ones and when they got back to his friend's house and opened them they noticed the game disk wasn't there. Heck no, there was a porn DVD instead.

So when he came in, he told me about it. He said he was ticked off that the game he wanted wasn't there, but like any boy on the planet, he also looked slightly curious. I confiscated it. It's called, "Truly Nice Tits 8, Breast Friends". I'm holding it for him until tomorrow when he goes back and swaps it in.

I appreciate his honesty a great deal but I can't help know that he is going to regret telling me FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.

I'm sure he's probably in his room now thinking, "damn!"

It's only natural. I'm sure they sneaked a peak at it at his friends house anyway. I don't think anyone has been irreparably damaged by seeing breasts before especially since he has seen all the nude life drawing I used to bring home after my classes.

Yes, Just another day at my house.

Cheers

I'm pretty proud of myself right now. I've been really sick since about 11pm and have felt like doing the upchuck. I think I may have a small fever as well which would just be playing into my GP's prophecy. I still think everything is fine because I get sick to my stomach and other areas on a fairly consistent basis. It feels gross but I believe it's harmless and it's not a flu. Just special random crap I have to go through.... because I'm that damn special.

So, it's 3:20am and I felt better enough to drag myself to the 7/11, get hit on in the line up and buy a ginger-ale. I'm pretty resourceful and usually have some in my cupboard but unfortunately I recreationally drank it before Christmas. That'll teach me.

And all is well now, all is well. I may even get out a straw.

Fuck the Bad

I took my life into my own hands today by going in for bloodwork a week early. I refuse to be left to live in fear of a cancer recurrence. I might as well know what the hell my body is doing, right? Screw living with my head in the sand, if something bad(or not bad) is coming my way, I'll be facing it.

I'm sure this burden will be lifted when my results come back improved. So far I have had mini freak outs about;

*a paper cut,

*bloating

*Mrs.Monthly showing up for the first time in a year or two(not supposed to be having that at ALL),

*and heart burn.

Like every other person who has had cancer knows, these little things can really fuck up your day. I really don't show emotions about this stuff, the best I can do is write about it. I just know that living, feeling like there is a gun to your head in a sick game of Russian roulette is no way to exist. I know some people practice a fundamentalist form of denial but I just can't go there for a lot of reasons. I need to know.

On other topics, I took these photos to add to the Flikr Bloganista pool. I also took up a kind woman on her offer to do a psychic reading for me. It felt like overcoming a little hurdle for me. Pre cancer I had had opportunities to get physic readings for fun with friends but for no particular reason I had this deep underlying fear of someone saying that I was going to die or tell me I was going to get cancer. I always refused to go. This is probably directly related to some terrible personal experiences from my past that I hadn't gotten over. Whatever. I felt mostly confident that she wasn't going to tell me I was going to die. Imagine being her and seeing that though. What would you say to the person? *awkward!*

Despite all that I can't say I specifically believe in anything other than what I can empirically or scientifically prove but I do have an exceedingly open mind! This is what she sent me;

You're very dependable, trustworthy, and studious. You love nature. When you see something you like, you will go for it. You're sensual and charismatic.

Good things coming your way, but some travel plan might be delayed. You are where you are right now because of your hard work and you earned it. A time for success or prosperity is coming your way. There might even change in residence or moving to a new place.

When you face problems, try to use cleverness to turn tide in your favor :).

She only does readings out of personal interest when she has a little time and she never charges for it. I think it's a very kind gesture to do something like this for someone you don't even know. More evidence that people have wonderful hearts.

The great part is that the next evening I sold 4 paintings!

Scared

I'm not out of the woods yet in regards to my recent GVHD relapse. I swear the doctor appointments never go away. I get my blood taken every two weeks without fail. The photo above is a couple of weeks ago when they couldn't get enough blood from the first hand so they did the other. Every time I go it seems there is someone new, who I haven't had before and I say the same lame joke every time. I ask them to take it out of my hands because my arms are scarring and I don't want to look like a heroin addict, ha ha. Usually that comment is received by the sound of crickets. I think someone laughed once so I don't know why I say it every time.

They always tell me getting it out of my hand hurts a lot and am I sure I want them to do it there? I feel like saying, "HELLO! I had 5 bone marrow biopsies, I laugh at your wimpy little needle!"

Anyway, I'm beating around the bush, the doctors office just called again. My blood is still not right and now my white count is elevated which sends off alarm bells. There are no blasts, which are the cells that mean cancer is back. But still, extra white cells without an illness that I'm fighting off can be bad news. They asked if I am sick at all which could account for the high white cell count but I'm not.

They want me to see my oncologist but all the appointments have been canceled because of THE OLYMPICS. Yes, the Olympics seem to somehow be a valid reason for canceling all doctors appointments in Vancouver. I've had another appointment canceled as well.

So now instead of going for a walk in the rare, beautiful sunshine, I'm sitting here waiting for my GP's office to call back. This sucks.

And the Olympics suck too.

Update: I feel fine but my GP is convinced I'm sick or infected in some way. I'm supposed to get to my oncologist if I have a fever, swelling, puss or any sickness of any sort. They also said that I may just not be well yet from the H1N1 even though it's been almost 3 months. They told me to take it easy.