I feel normalish today. Normalish in the way that I can vaguely conceptualize what it used to mean to be me. I swear I remember me vividly but I have to admit my memories wrap around my few photos. I used to be cute, I was a workaholic. Heck, I was even cute without hair.
For some reason I feel sadish. I would have thought I would feel excited to be aliveish but I'm in fact, a bit flat. Healing is tough because it has to be done in small increments. You don't wake up one day "better". The Dr. doesn't say, "Congrats, now you can get on with your life!" The closest I've had is "Congratulations, when you want to have sex you'll need surgery". I suppose that's something?
I went out today and was scared on the escalator. I've had a few crashes. I hobbled up stairs because I refused to take the elevator. I did all that and am still functioning which means I've come leaps and bounds the last few weeks. It makes me realize how rough it's been. You don't tend to see it clearly when you are in the middle of it. The problem is, I want me all back and I want me now.
How did I go from a vibrant 32 to a slow 35? I think I blinked. I miss me. I feel sad for losing me. I want to be the old me(ish) again.