Friday, June 20, 2008

Fear

Fear is that thing that nobody wants to talk about.

Fear is that entity that doesn't exist.

We're all bubblegum and candy.

Fear is what we experience when we lose the facade of control of our lives. When a cancer diagnosis is given, fear becomes real and tangible like cold water being trickled down your back. Like laying on cold concrete that chills you to your bones. Like a hand full of empty tears that you cannot shed.

I lived my life under an umbrella of thought, that if I worked hard enough I could make my life what I wanted it to be. I was fearless. I was a conquerer. I never let anyone see my weakness. Nobody could stop me.

Even the fearless feel the shadow as it comes. Fear, it seeps into your life when you don't want it. It covers the sun even though you don't acknowledge it. Pretending it's not there doesn't make it go away. It silently slips into the cracks and crevices of your mind and body. It wraps itself around your entrails. It quietly speaks to you when you are alone and not occupied in other thoughts. It's insidious weight lays on your shoulders and squeezes your chest until you can't even breath.

A cancer diagnosis, is a life sentence to fear. When will it come back? Will it ever come back? Will my body ever be the same? Will I die tomorrow? My body is now damaged from all the chemotherapy, so which kind of cancer will be next? How old will I be? Will it be fatal? Will I have quality of life? Will I see my next birthday?

I put fear in the closet. I laughed at fear. I told it to fuck right off. I changed my thoughts to other things when fear spoke to me. But, I have recently gained more respect for fear. I knew shortly into my treatment that fear would be following me for the rest of my life. I wouldn't get to walk away from the hospital and leave it all behind. Fear is now my silent partner.

I don't give fear any extra encouragement. I figure it's a huge way to waste perfectly good time. MY TIME IS VALUABLE. I don't fret every two weeks when I have my bloodwork done. I tend to keep my fear in remission. I wake up and see bright sunny days.

Sometimes, though, the fear overtakes this fearless person.

6 comments:

High Desert Diva said...

"I wake up and see bright sunny days."

Yes...

Anonymous said...

Your amazing...I'm always waiting for your next entry.

Jane (mom on the hodgkins forum)

Miss Melanoma said...

There is that theory that every action a human takes is made from either fear or love, but I see so much love in your posts.

Thnx for checking in on me and your sweet little comment. You made me feel so special!
I'm here on your blog often but need to comment more. Congrats on the Stupid Cancer Show thing, btw! I've been trying to get on there forever.

Love ya, and you know where to find me if you want or need to.

You're the bomb (no seriously),
-MM

Dawn said...

Fear is *my* friend and enemy.

Live for today, hope for tomorrow, and never forget yesterday.

jkziel said...

I enjoyed reading this.

Garnet said...

Some days, like today, I let down my guard and fear overcomes me and pollutes my vision of the future for a while. It'll pass. I know it will.

Beautiful post.