Thursday, November 27, 2008

Da Funk

I've been floundering recently. Almost three years of being ill in bed has taken a huge toll on my body and my psyche. I've gone through a long cycle of fear, anger, hope, and an endless waiting for things to get better. I started out with a very solid belief that I would be fine. But after 3 years in my bed and struggling to get through every day I eventually wondered, will I get better? No doctor would say.

The prednisone and all my other drugs have made me so ill. My strong band of hope that I would see the end of this has grown thinner and thinner until it was only a battered thread.

This whole cancer dealy was only supposed to be a bump in the road of my life. One day I would wistfully look back at it, throw my head back and laugh in a conquering sort of tone. Now I know I will never be the same. I realize it's been said a hundred times over by a hundred different people in a hundred different contexts, but it's new to me. I will never be the same.

Sadness has crept in. Frustration has seeped into every inner corner of my being. With it came listlessness and apathy. Pain, medication, severe sleep and fatigue issues have clouded my brain making it feel like it's stuffed with cotton.

I feel like all the control I've had over my life has been taken away from me. My body has become my betrayer.

I felt a little like putting my head in the oven.

Perfect :) I find being severely at the bottom a real catalyst for change. There is no place to go but up. I've decided to kick this suck hole despondency.

I made a plan. Despite all the things I struggle to get done every day, I am going to come first. I took myself straight to the doctor and to a Cancer Agency counsellor as well as a massage therapist. The doctor made a priority of sorting out my lack of sleep. The Amtitriptoline made me so much worse. I tried it for about 5 days but after a midnight online shopping spree I had no recollection of, I went back to the Dr and stopped taking it. The upside of that is I have been receiving nice little "presents" in the mail for the last two weeks. My GP upped my current sleeping meds which don't give me any trouble. I've also been off my main tormentor (prednisone) for 4 months.

Getting a better sleep has made me feel a bit better which in turn has enabled me to do a little more. I've been forcing myself to go twice a week to my arthritic waterfit class. No matter how suckathetic I feel, I go. When a friend asks me to go for a walk on the beach at an unGodly hour, I say, Yes. I was asked to go to a salsa dancing class. I said, Yes, and went but was only able to sit and watch. At least I walked up the stairs. In short I am stretching my boundaries and if I suffer after, at least I know I tried.

I hurt, I feel awful, my body is protesting but I feel hopeful again. I have goals again. I feel like I have some control in my life again. My body is my goal. It's not my betrayer, it is a part of me that has had a hard time and deserves a little compassion.

If I'm not going to save me, who will?


ReBuildingYou (and me) said...

Yay!! You ROCK sweetpea - even on your very worst hair days. You are totally fabulous, through and through. You're witty, brave, smart and the best friend anyone could have xxxxxxx

High Desert Diva said...

I'm glad you're climbing out of the depression hole of hell.

Good to have you back!


You are doing SO well, I'm in awe of your strength and can't imagine how I would cope. Truly heartfelt good wishes and vibes to you :0)

Gabriel's Aunt said...

Keep it up. That is great that you are blogging about your experiences with this. I will keep you in my thoughts.

Glamorosi said...

Sending hugs and positive vibes to you.

kimforbeads said...

I feel for you, My mom has been fighting cancer hard for a long time. She has about 12 turmors right now- but after trying everything and many surgeries, & chemo- her hair just came back about two months ago. She is doing an experimental treatment, the only one in WA & OR doing it, the FDA has not approved it & she could not get into anyone elses trails. But the good news is she has been on this since about Feb & finally some of the tumors are actually going down. This is the first good news we have had in 5-years. She beat all of the statistics a long time ago. So hang in there - I have been on predisone for my asthma many times, It does make it hard to sleep & makes me irriated also.

I think the main thing is to fight for your self, most docters won't and you know the best for yourself. Try to think positive & keep friends & family close, even when you may not want to. I wish you all of the best times are tough, and things don't always go perfect, but trying & keeping hope is the very key to everything.

Best wishes.

Unknown said...

Wow! Way to turn it around, girl! I admire you pulling yourself up and out of that funk. Though I understand you in both ways. It's incredible how such a constant disturbance in sleep can so drastically affect our daily emotions. My sleep's been sucking lately too. I am oh so thankful for even one rare night of full sleep (and just one or two potty breaks!).

Keep up the good fight! You did the right thing taking care of yourself...seeking out the assistance that you so desperately needed. I admire you for that. :)

Anonymous said...

Hope you don't mind me popping by, found you via another blog I read. I think you are one amazing person and good for you that you are taking back some control over your life. I so admire you for even getting along to the salsa class and taking walks along the beach. Who cares what time it is the main fact is that you do it! I can only imagine how your head feels but I think you are totally amazing! Your struggle may be huge, but if you can get out to watch the salsa class, go for those walks and share your innermost thoughts with your nearest and dearest hopefully you will begin to feel a little more positive. But who am I to say, only you know your boundaries, but I can only stand back and admire your courage and strength of character. I have a 40 year old son who suffers from severe agoraphobia, ME and associated problems and have seen him reach terrible depths. He text the other night to say he had managed to walk to the end of the road,literally a few yards,for the first time in months, I was in tears. A tiny step for most but for him it was gigantic. He probably won't get out now for a while but he did it in spite of the fear and fatigue. I only tell you this because people like you are such an inspiration to people like me and him, in spite of everything you fight, and even though you want to give up every so often, you don't! And if you get your sleep sorted hopefully that will help tremendously. You take care of yourself as best you can and remember there are people out here who care about you and think of you daily, even here in the damp and misty UK! Keep it up! xx

Michelle said...

Your a special person, keep fighting and you will come out of this!!! I know! Well i don't know really, but there is no other choice!! What you are doing now is excellent!!!

I wish you well and happiness!! If you ever want to email me please do so!!!

hockeychic said...

I'm glad to see you posting again, I've been so concerned about you. Glad to see you are putting yourself first and setting goals for yourself.

Keeping you in my thoughts for better days ahead.

Shakti said...

I am in awe of your determination. My husband had cancer, too, and his strength through it all was amazing. Your post has inspired me this morning. I love the shopping story and the idea of how you have little gifts appearing now. You're in my thoughts.

Ndinombethe said...

Sorry you're having such a hard time. You're absolutely right - your body deserves taking care of. You deserve taking care of! Sending you lots of love! You've been incredibly strong and this post is just another example of how truly strong you are

Unknown said...

this makes me smile. you're strong, and i admire that.

Anonymous said...

You make me proud to know you, and we haven't even been introduced! I love your guts and smartass humor. Fighting is hard, but giving up sucks. There is no easy way, dammit.
I will be following you here and at CSL.
Rock on!