Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Regina a Bust
So, I've decided Regina isn't in the cards for me this time. I spent yesterday in bed and I can't imagine going any further. Regina foiled me again! (alright, it's only been once)
This journey has been good for me. It's helped break through some losses that I felt very deeply. The friend I am staying with is very contemplative, so we've spent time chatting about what the hell do we do? Where is the line between enjoyment and building your life? I was all about building and left no time for myself. I was all about working and was expecting to reap the rewards. You get out of life what you put in, right?
Not always, I'm a prime example of that. Cancer kicked my ass, or I guess the more precise truth is, the cancer treatment kicked my ass.
My life is a blur now, I really don't know where to go from here. The uncertainties that lay in wait are overwhelming. Every day I deal with problem solving my health because every day there is something hefty to deal with. I just want to live without being so constrained. Hell, I want to do well.
Which I will but when, where and how? I shouldn't have to restart at 36, should I?
What do you do when you have to restart at 36?
I feel a weird emptiness. Letting go leaves a void to be filled and I find that void frightening.