Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Regina a Bust

So, I've decided Regina isn't in the cards for me this time. I spent yesterday in bed and I can't imagine going any further. Regina foiled me again! (alright, it's only been once)

This journey has been good for me. It's helped break through some losses that I felt very deeply. The friend I am staying with is very contemplative, so we've spent time chatting about what the hell do we do? Where is the line between enjoyment and building your life? I was all about building and left no time for myself. I was all about working and was expecting to reap the rewards. You get out of life what you put in, right?

Not always, I'm a prime example of that. Cancer kicked my ass, or I guess the more precise truth is, the cancer treatment kicked my ass.

My life is a blur now, I really don't know where to go from here. The uncertainties that lay in wait are overwhelming. Every day I deal with problem solving my health because every day there is something hefty to deal with. I just want to live without being so constrained. Hell, I want to do well.

Which I will but when, where and how? I shouldn't have to restart at 36, should I?

What do you do when you have to restart at 36?

I feel a weird emptiness. Letting go leaves a void to be filled and I find that void frightening.


Jens said...

The real life takes place in the present. That I forget often. You've achieved a lot in the past half year.
And you'll do even more. I'm sure. Give yourself time.


Ndinombethe said...

Was so pleased to read about your trip. Been way too long since I stopped in here. Sorry. Been trying to work instead of blogging.

You've had so much to bear. You're doing so well. Don't be too hard on yourself. It's ok to feel down.

The trip was a great idea, a huge step, and congrats on your self portrait making it into the show. It's brilliant! Sorry you didn't make it to Regina but you certainly made it pretty far, all on your own .

Safe journey home.

hockeychic said...

Catching up on your travels. YAY for you for doing this!

I had a different sort of starting over at age 38. It wasn't health related but I lost just about everything in my life and had to begin again. There is grief and there is sadness and there is also profound joy and a new appreciation for things.

Some days it is just about the small steps of moving forward.

Beautiful pictures and wishing you safe travels.

claudescreations.... said...

Wow - i am in awe of you - really. There are days when I question why I do the things I do, or why I dont do the things I want to do. But no point in dwelling in the past or fretting about the future. Everyday I try - thats all that matters. I see that you try and try again. That is very inspiring to me and as I share your story with friends, I see how that inspires them. What a gift it was to find your blog. Thank you....

Nancy said...

Sometimes you have to restart life at 43.