Taking my life back from cancer, a three year celebratory post and exorcism.
I won't miss you.
Your presence in my life is over... we are over. Let me be one thousand percent crystal clear, we will not meet again. I am tired of being afraid of you, I'm tired of you butting in to my life every day. You didn't let me go out with friends, you didn't let me have fun, you didn't support the fact that I have things to do with my life. My life is important.
You tried to stop me from finishing university even though I had worked so hard to get that diploma. You scared off all but the most loyal of my friends. The mere mention of you makes people cringe. Because of you, when people look at me, they actually see their own mortality staring back at them with cold eyes.
You have completely railroaded my life without any thought for the consequences it would have. You kept me from achieving my dreams, my goals, you fucked up my future.
You are the freak'n wet blanket on my pinata party.
Well guess what? I refuse to be bullied. I refuse to be taken down. I refuse to see my life as wasted space because my dreams are now little more than ashes after a fire.
I will build new dreams. I will conquer new territory. I will be the G_d damned Queen of my own life! There is no space for you here.
I am making new friends, new connections and creating a place for myself in this empty void that was my life. Despite you, my life exists and is like an empty canvas or that clean white sheet of paper. Or maybe even that beach of smooth sand after the tide has gone out. I can draw whatever I want here.
I have new wants, new joys, new tastes, new values and new skills. I will use those to thrive and enjoy and to cherish every moment I have on this dirtpile. I will create and seek joy in every facet and every corner because being alive mostly kicks ass (except for when it doesn't). Without you I will live to be an eccentric old lady that dresses in wild colours and maybe I will decorate my bicycle basket with fake flowers or stand in a courtyard and make giant bubbles for the passerby.
I'm going to do things I've never done before. Perhaps I will become a hula hooper extraordinaire, spin fire or become a roller derby girl. Maybe I'll dye my hair fuchsia for the summer, bungee jump or buy and wear sexy matching pantie sets. I'm going to climb mountains and cliff jump at Paradise into the river. I might live at a lake for a while and undoubtedly try out being a burlesque dancer. And I will ski.
My list is not going anywhere. I will achieve just like I have always achieved but in completely different ways. I no longer have preconceived notions of what my life should be. I had already burned down that white picket fence anyway.
But I digress. You are gone.
And me simply being here means I will win.