Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Black Days

Second son is well again and back at school trying out for the rugby team. I'm not feeling so great however. Maybe it's because I've had very little exercise while being sick and taking care of the boys while they've been sick.

I just feel like life is folding in on me somehow. It's not as if anything different has happened. It's more as if my life is being presented in front of me with no rose coloured glasses on.

I am nowhere yet which makes me wonder, will I ever be? This recovery process has been dragged beyond recognition as a period of time. This may be it.

I realize many cancer patients go through all these feelings afterward whether they are still fighting for their life or not. It just seems so counterproductive. I just lay in bed with the covers over me trying to disappear while the world goes on without me. It feels safe there under the coziness of the blankets. I feel lucky to have this bed because everything else is in shambles.

Rather than dreaming of buying a house and physically building what others my age have accomplished, I think about how lovely it would be to burn it all. Take all my crap that pins me down here and watch it burn in one huge pile. Then I could just leave and it wouldn't even matter where I've gone.

5 comments:

T @ Poppy Place said...

I feel the same way sometimes (blow it all up, the material stuff that drowns us)

Sorry to hear you are struggling but give your self time to stay cozy and enveloped in your covers, even though our minds are telling us to be doing s... all the time our bodies tell us when to take it easy :) (I know our minds then tell us we have taken way tooo long taking it easy, there is no winning :)

Hope you feel better soon, regards, T. :)

Neil Wiernik said...

just so you know your NOT alone I have the same dreams as you do...in fact I in many ways I dont have much holding me in place ever since cancer and even less since the recurrence and my BMT...

Autonomous Artisans said...

I'm in that same space right now. I'm hanging onto my dream of an eco friendly home on a small holding by the skin of my teeth, but time flies by and everyone around me makes plans and the plans happen whilst I'm still stuck on the sofa under a blanket wishing my body would release me from it's painful cage.

http://ny-image3.etsy.com//il_fullxfull.89854835.jpg

This image sums me up completely right now. Just replace the glass bottle with my own skin.

Sorry for not being able to come up with any words of encouragement or joy. I just thought you should know you are not alone.

kyra said...

Hey you, I'm sending you a big squishy hug. I know it doesn't fix anything, but it's a bit of love to carry you through.

BaldyLocks said...

I appreciate the words of support. As sucky as this is, it's nice to know I'm not completely alone in this. Maybe that makes me a bad person because I sure don't want anyone else going through this crap or feeling like this.

So, thanks for being there...

AA, that painting does a beautiful job of depicting what you're going through. Funny, I have a sketch similar to that one from just after my transplant.