I've been asked to do a talk tomorrow about my last three years living post cancer. I'm so exhausted and don't know what to say. I realize I've been writing about it for the last 2 years but speaking verbally about it seems so much different. I battle to keep my emotions in check at all times when speaking face to face with people. I've just been burned too many times in too many different contexts and to me speaking about what you're going through = sharing = being vulnerable = being a target.
Doing it on the blog is a controlled way of sharing for me. It's me stretching my boundaries and trying to change for the better. Outside in the real world I'm not so good at this. I suppose that's not that unusual in the context of the world, I just learned early on that allowing people in wasn't worth it. Going through cancer, treatment and recovery just adds a whole new layer of stuff to try and figure out for myself. Not sure how to relate that to other people.
And I struggle with trusting people. I struggle with letting people know how I actually feel in any way that connects me to them on a personal level.
I have to admit that up until now it's worked for me but now things have changed. I know I need to change.
What the heck do I talk about in a way that is remotely interesting to them? Do I talk about being tired because that's mostly what I've got going on these days. I feel like I have a couple of 100lb bags of rice laying on top of me most of the time. Do I talk about my disappointments or my frustration with getting through every day? Do I talk about how hard it is to raise kids with no money or energy? Do I tell them that my house is a disaster because my energy never gets much farther than the grocery store?
Or do I talk about the moments I work so hard to squeak out of every day? The ones where I laugh my ass off at the sheer absurdity of life. I think that would get me through about 2 minutes and they want me to talk for 15-20!
Seriously could use any input on what to talk about and it's in the morning! I have a feeling I will be figuring this out in the car on my way there so if you have any, any, any ideas please let me know ASAP!
I can see it now actually. Me standing up in front of them tapping the microphone, *tap tap* "Is this thing on?"
"Ahem.... so there was this bald chick who walked into a bar...."