Monday, November 9, 2009

Heartache

(photo from, Crazy Hair Day, post)

Now that I'm sick and more laid out than usual I've been contemplating the blog and looking back through all the photos I've posted since I started. Next thing you know my chest hurt and I felt like I was having a bit of an anxiety attack. I called a friend to try and ward it off because anxiety attacks feel like life and death for some reason, my chest felt like there was a big stone inside.

Talking is such a great way to put out what you're feeling and to be able to process it. I told her that I was browsing the photos when it came on and she asked me if I was upset to see how sick I'd been. I said, no. I was actually thinking about how creative and fantastic the photos are. That made me pause and wonder what the heck it was about.

Then I realized it. My blog and me, hasn't been the same since my hard drive crashed with all of my photos and videos on it. Not all of my photos post diagnosis but a lot of key photos. The blog has pictures on it that have no originals anymore. This blog is the only memory of them and they are low resolution for the internet. The photos that I didn't post and didn't back up are lost.

If you're thinking, "What a dope", because I didn't back them all up just realize that I had almost zero idea how to use the internet and computers before my illness and blog. I didn't even actually know what a blog was when I started it but that's a whole other post. I self taught in a vacuum at home by myself asking people the occasional question.

So, as I was browsing the photos a huge sense of loss hit me. Not a loss of my life or a sadness because of the cancer but the loss of my creative self while dealing with the rest. It's hard for me to talk about that.

Shortly after my computer crashed I moved from my big beautiful house that had my art studio in it and a wildlife filled backyard to social housing in the city. I haven't been the same since. My blog hasn't been the same since. I don't wander the beaches anymore. I don't talk to other bloggers much anymore. It seems like the last six months or so are an empty blur.

If I can deal with the loss that cancer brings, surely I can deal with the loss of a hard drive?

I have so many new adventures that I haven't posted for some odd reason. I keep thinking, I'll get to them but the whole picture fiasco makes me want to shut it up into a box and not think about it. I feel impotent (ha ha, to the mental image that just gave you).

Anyway, I'm going to start posting those previous adventures. I have a long list of awesomeness that didn't make it here... yet.

4 comments:

Caroline said...

Ahh, I feel for you. I still feel sad about the hard drive crash I had in 2004 or 2005... I lost all my archived photos... pretty much all my newbie stuff. It sucks!

T.Allen-Mercado said...

Oh do I ever understand. I had my big crash in May or June of this year...and I'm still realizing the depth of the loss when I think of certain photos or events. Listening to "3X5" by John Mayer reminded me of my internal hard drive. Try it. (hugs)

Ann said...

If you still have the drive, there are companies out there that can recover the photos for you - or at least try. They might not be as gone as you think. Google "hard drive recovery" in your area and maybe you can find a good-hearted soul who will help a cancer patient at minimal cost. Good luck.

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