Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Changes

Things have to change, I can't keep on like this for much longer. Alternating halfway between sick and better forEVER is getting really old. My life is completely stagnant with few of the things that make like worth living in it. I try and try and try to be satisfied with what I have now because I'm convinced that, that's the road to happiness; making what you have, what you want but unfortunately I wasn't built that way. I was built to challenge.

I was built to climb things, build things and generally explore the nooks cranny's and possibilities of life. I've always been driven to create and discover no matter what. I went to university for a reason. I studied art and business for a reason. I was meant to climb mountains, explore caves and generally make a nuisance of myself. There is so much possibility around and within me.

I love my sons, they are amazing + a million.

Not much else going on for me where I am now. I'm not able to be consistent or reliable and that drives me nuts. I avoid making plans with people because I really don't know if I will be well enough to go when the time comes. Not being able to work HAS to change.

It's so humiliating to look fine on the outside but to have your insides in such a fluctuating dangerous mess. I hate explaining my deficits when people ask and I generally keep it undercover when I'm having problems because it's easier. I like to look strong but even better I like to be strong, sometimes I'm only faking it. Tripping in front of someone is always embarrassing because I need to be caught or I'll end up on my face.

I need to create, become financially viable again and pay off my debts from my medications. I need to rebuild my physical strength and get past all these setbacks. I need to have a life that brings me things rather than just reminding me of all the things I've lost.

I want joy again but most of all I want to STOP WHINING ABOUT IT AND DO SOMETHING. I know I need to be kind to myself and forgive my body for all it's limitations right now, but I also need something more.

MORE dammit, MORE!

10 comments:

Caroline said...

It sounds like its time to get out of a rut. What is stopping you from creating? Are you not feeling well enough or are creative thoughts not flowing? Perhaps your art form needs to change to adapt to the new you? I don't know... I'm just rambling. My mother used to write for her creative outlet but after being diagnosed with RA, she gave up writing and took up painting... which is what she did when she was a child.

Personally I think you are very creative. Your creative side comes through in your blog - and I particularly like the subheading on your blog '...and the horse you rode in on'.

'Cuz I Felt Like It! said...

"STOP WHINING ABOUT IT AND DO SOMETHING"......that's the first step to everything gettin' better.

BaldyLocks said...

My hands don't work very well, Caroline, and they also often ache. I get so exhausted that I'm not able to create. That's often why I write such short blog posts and such short choppy sentences. I find photography easier and I have a lot of fun with that.

The last 2 months being sick I haven't been able to do anything other than survive, like buying food and doing laundry. I know things will get better now because I'm feeling a bit better and I vacuumed!

Thanks for sharing about your mom, I love to hear how people have dealt with their creativity during the toughest times.

I feel good things coming and am ready to tackle the barriers between me and what I want out of life.

BaldyLocks said...

I think so too, 'Cuz. I'm ready!

Sarah Knight said...

I hope you feel better, and get to relax your mind & your body to create. We all have to take a break every once in a while, and usually after you have a sudden burst of making things (it happens to me frequently).
: )

Jens said...

Perhaps photographing is a good idea. You have shown in this blog sometimes very expressive photos. That you can. And to write. This could possibly be some satisfaction. The rest do you manage step by step. The constant dissatisfaction is an obstacle for you.

But that's just my opinion. My opinion of course, has no universal validity.

So, I wish you a little satisfaction.

Keith (Mindless Pursuits) said...

I understand almost completely, and I wish you the best and that you get to the healthy place you need to feel more whole and able to take everything on that makes you more fulfilled. I certainly believe you are ready to tackle what comes next.

Autonomous Artisans said...

I could have written this post (apart from the bit about your boys, as I have no kids.) I don't really know where to go from here.

KirstenNotKristen said...

Hi Rose,

I've been keeping up with your blog through the holidays, sympathizing, commiserating, and just f*ingwell wishing you could get some relief.

Just emailed this to Neil and thought you might also find it interesting or at least a distraction.

Not sure if you've heard of an artist, Ken Foster, who lives on the Downtown Eastside? He's the son of a friend of ours and suffers from mental illness and, as a result, crack addiction, but in spite of that, or maybe because of it, has been predominantly homeless but painting for the last 15 years.

We went to his show on new year's eve and ended up buying a painting he made for us the next day. Here are some of his paintings and a short doc of his work:

http://www.flickr.com/groups/skor/

http://www.5mindocs.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=96:following-foster-2nd-place-winner&catid=24:2008-vancouver&Itemid=99

p.s. I love Banksy too, partic. the Flower Hucker!

Hoping with you for change,
:)Kirsten

Ivy said...

The second paragraph is an amazing epigraph. I was run to play, too. I can't even imagine what it's like when your body betrays you. I am sending you strength. Oh, and fuck that shit, yo!