Things have to change, I can't keep on like this for much longer. Alternating halfway between sick and better forEVER is getting really old. My life is completely stagnant with few of the things that make like worth living in it. I try and try and try to be satisfied with what I have now because I'm convinced that, that's the road to happiness; making what you have, what you want but unfortunately I wasn't built that way. I was built to challenge.
I was built to climb things, build things and generally explore the nooks cranny's and possibilities of life. I've always been driven to create and discover no matter what. I went to university for a reason. I studied art and business for a reason. I was meant to climb mountains, explore caves and generally make a nuisance of myself. There is so much possibility around and within me.
I love my sons, they are amazing + a million.
Not much else going on for me where I am now. I'm not able to be consistent or reliable and that drives me nuts. I avoid making plans with people because I really don't know if I will be well enough to go when the time comes. Not being able to work HAS to change.
It's so humiliating to look fine on the outside but to have your insides in such a fluctuating dangerous mess. I hate explaining my deficits when people ask and I generally keep it undercover when I'm having problems because it's easier. I like to look strong but even better I like to be strong, sometimes I'm only faking it. Tripping in front of someone is always embarrassing because I need to be caught or I'll end up on my face.
I need to create, become financially viable again and pay off my debts from my medications. I need to rebuild my physical strength and get past all these setbacks. I need to have a life that brings me things rather than just reminding me of all the things I've lost.
I want joy again but most of all I want to STOP WHINING ABOUT IT AND DO SOMETHING. I know I need to be kind to myself and forgive my body for all it's limitations right now, but I also need something more.
MORE dammit, MORE!