Reality Check

I've come to an important but solemn realization today. I have been in such a slump since the H1N1 ganged up with my graft/vs/host and body slammed me. The last good day I remember having was Halloween. After all I've been through this seems to be the setback that really got to me and haven't really been able to come back from.

I'm just getting really worn down, it's been such a long haul. My life has been so hard since forever but I have to believe there is something better than this. Life can't always be this hard, right? (humour me please)

I've spent a couple of hours in my bathroom trying to clean it because everything around me has been slowly caving in and deteriorating. I haven't even gotten to the tub yet. As I was scrubbing around the toilet I was thinking how I've cleaned toilets a million times in my life but I never remember it being so damn hard to do. Ugh.

I also realized how many amazing photos I've taken over those same months and how I haven't posted them. I keep thinking I'll do them later but later never comes. I haven't checked out other peoples blogs or gone beyond my tiny little existence. My friend called me the shut in yesterday which was pretty funny because it's true.

I've been putting a lot of energy into rekindling friendships and making new friends so my life isn't so empty at the end of the day. It's been difficult to say the least.

I need to get my spark back. Life is so much better than what I'm experiencing right now. I know how common depression is in cancer patients but I'm not depressed, trust me, I've been there done that. Just grey. Life is grey and tiring.

So I'm going to start getting back to my photos and start posting them next week. I've seen some amazing things and it will feel good to get a refresher on all the amazing stuff again.

I'm going to be kind to myself and not feel bad that I'm on fade out mode. Life is what it is and we have to roll with the punches so as to not go insane.