Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Kayaking at Sunset

I'm going through the motions of the things on my grand adventure list but today the worry and the loss of myself is overpowering. I still got into the kayak and I slipped quietly over the calm darkening water. The waves rode along side me and kept me buoyant. The sun set over me and the full moon rose over the water sending little glints of light off each ripple.

As I clumsily paddled outward I felt a peace come over me. I just kept putting the oars in the salty ocean and heading out to where the colours met the sky. My heart is aching and I am scared, lost and confused about my life, where it's gone and what I should be doing next.

The quiet ripples soothed me and quieted my mind. I absentmindedly paddled for the open water away from the safety of the little cove. I went a bit to far and my kayak companions called me from the shore telling me I was heading out to far.

This snapped me back into reality and I just let the water take me in. The kelp was thick and deep with the bulbous heads peaking up breaking the water's surface.

I felt empty on this important little adventure. I felt nowhere. Deep down I felt like the waves should just carry me away to...

...somewhere else.

Where just seems like details. Disappearing has always been a huge draw for me. Here one day and gone the next, yet it has never happened except in my dreams.

What the heck do I have here? I ask myself that question every day.

Lots of love to anyone reading this. Where would you escape to if you have the chance?



Anonymous said...

I would find a place where I hadn't gained 60 pounds post treatment. Or maybe a place without gravity so that I didn't feel my new bulk weighing me down every step. Perhaps I could live in water and float to my job.

Anonymous said...

Nowhere in particular. I think there is a a Chinese proverb that says "the intent of meaningful travelling is not the arrival" or something like that. Lafitte

Toboggan said...

I would go to the summit of Black Mountain. I would wait for the wind, then spread my wings, and I would fly.

BaldyLocks said...

I find it interesting the places you want to go to. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one that thinks about this.

hockeychic said...

I would go to my grandparents place in upstate New York. It is in the Adirondack Mountain park. I would sit out on the rocks by the flag pole and look out at the lake and Buck Mountain.

My grandfather passed away this year and my grandmother is not able to travel up there anymore so I know that the only way I can visit is in my mind but it is still a refuge for me.


Sweetlife said...

Hi Baldylocks! I am impressed with your list for 2010/2011. I started 1 myself, but it has stayed pathetically short. I need to stop editing myself & just write what I want to do. The problem is I stop & think what I actually can do & it is so limiting.
The first item on my list was to be in Oprah's audience before she goes off the air. I got to do this when she came to NY a few months back.
I do edit myself based on my physical limitations...what I don't have energy for, or am in too much pain to do...or physically think I cannot. I edit based on not having money to do things, or based on not being able to commit to anything b/c I am always on chemo, or starting a new chemo, or radiation or having another surgery....I have a hard time planning.
If I could go ANYWHERE....
I would go :
Roller skating to 80s music!!!

My excuse for not doing it has been not having a friend to go with me. There is a roller rink nearby that has 80s nights.

I would go :
To Vancouver....what I have seen of it on TV is breathtaking!

To Hawaii w/ my daughter & learn to hula dance together..we've talked about going there together for years!

To Florida to visit my (birth) sister....she moved there in October & just bought a house there yesterday! This 1 I am actually doing!!! Even though we cannot afford it....I used my birthday money to buy a round trip ticket & I will be going there in September!

Thank you for posing this question ~ I am going to go make a damn fine list for myself....what I WANT to do...I will assume I can do anything & take it from there!

BaldyLocks said...

Being in the Oprah audience is pretty impressive. Something like that never even crossed my mind which is why it never happened :)

Thanks for sharing, I love hearing what others are doing for themselves.

Let me know what your list is when you make it or at least email it to me :)

Sweetlife said...

Yes, I will share my list with you soon!
Scan results weren't great...started new heavy duty chemo yesterday & have to go again on Tues...then fly to FL on Friday....there it is again....stupid cancer getting in the way of being able to plan anything! I am still planning on going, but I am waiting to see the side effects of this new treatment...I was told I will definately lose my hair again with this one...will it happen in the airport? At my sisters? Ggrrrr Will I be too sick to go? Ggrrrr!!! I can only do my best.