Monday, September 13, 2010
Stress & Anxiety
The stress right now is almost unbearable. I'm not sure what to do, I'm not sure how to fix this.
I don't know if it's the possible loss of my hip, or the pain, or both but I feel so lost. I see a long road of my body being dragged through more medical trauma. It would be nice if medical problems were like doing a test. You know when test is over and then you can head in a new direction.
Where's my fucking closure? I'm not sure how long I can keep living this half life. This life isn't my own, it's not the one that I built. It's what I have been given by default.
I feel seized and like I can't take a step. I can't finish things, the thoughts and steps to do them float around in my head but never gel.
There is no space for me here. My sons are 15 and 16 now. My life in my household has no place for me at all. There is no space to paint, there is no space to hang work. It's not functioning. Teenagers and girlfriends are all filling the house so I have to retreat to my room.
Being a mom, well, single parent, is getting more challenging everyday. We have lost the connection we once had. They were my little boys and now they are young men.
I am so tired. Parenting after having had cancer can be maddening. You want the best for them, you do your best for them but conflicts are unavoidable. They are just kids and don't understand what I'm going through. They don't know all the thing I live with day to day.
Something isn't right here and it needs to change.