Monday, September 13, 2010

Stress & Anxiety

The stress right now is almost unbearable. I'm not sure what to do, I'm not sure how to fix this.

I don't know if it's the possible loss of my hip, or the pain, or both but I feel so lost. I see a long road of my body being dragged through more medical trauma. It would be nice if medical problems were like doing a test. You know when test is over and then you can head in a new direction.

Where's my fucking closure? I'm not sure how long I can keep living this half life. This life isn't my own, it's not the one that I built. It's what I have been given by default.

I feel seized and like I can't take a step. I can't finish things, the thoughts and steps to do them float around in my head but never gel.

There is no space for me here. My sons are 15 and 16 now. My life in my household has no place for me at all. There is no space to paint, there is no space to hang work. It's not functioning. Teenagers and girlfriends are all filling the house so I have to retreat to my room.

Being a mom, well, single parent, is getting more challenging everyday. We have lost the connection we once had. They were my little boys and now they are young men.

I am so tired. Parenting after having had cancer can be maddening. You want the best for them, you do your best for them but conflicts are unavoidable. They are just kids and don't understand what I'm going through. They don't know all the thing I live with day to day.

Something isn't right here and it needs to change.


Captain Skulduggery Dug said...

I'm not sure what to say, I've not been around in ages and now I feel like I have not been paying enough attention.

You are an amazing woman and this world needs you and others like you with the strength and good humour that has got you to the point you are at today. Allow yourself time to rest and be sad for what you have lost, but don't give up. Things have had to change from your original plans you had before you got sick, but plans would have changed had you been sick or not. Life rarely turns out just the way we want it to. It's hard when kids grow up. My sister's girls have both just left home and gone off to university and she is finding it hugely difficult to come to terms with. She will though and so will you.

Maybe everything just feels overwhelming and so much worse for you because you have all these unresolved health issues going on. I wish I could make it all better. That would be an awesome power to have, but sadly I can't even heal myself, so all I can say is there is a lady over here in Wales that thinks you are amazing and loves knowing that you are still out there doing taking photos and still having a great eye for things I sometimes miss. XXXX

naw said...

I dont know what to say... as Im sure you know that the waiting for results can be the hardest part. Once you know what it is is at least you know what needs to be done. Sit tight try to focus on the other great things in your life to get through this next hurdle. Im hoping and dare I say praying (as a non religious person) that it is something if any thing that is easily treatable. As a fellow BMT survivor I know how this kind of stuff can truly suck the life and soul out of a person but stick with it your a super hero and never ever forget that!!!!!!
As for your living situation maybe its time to create boundaries so that your house is not a place that you rised in but a place where you and your children all share and live in. so that everyone has space to do their thing. I remember as young child my folks placed boundaries around activities for that very reason that the house was everyones place to live in that no one was allocated to their bedrooms as they didnt feel like they had space in the house to do their thing.

Toboggan said...

"I feel seized and like I can't take a step. I can't finish things, the thoughts and steps to do them float around in my head but never gel."

That's my life, 24/7, thanks to brain fog. I never get any closure either. In this goal-obsessed and success-oriented culture, it's the pits to be forced to live life in neutral. I'm ready to turn my back on it all and go be a hermit in a cave somewhere.

carlo janeke said...
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carlo janeke said...
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BaldyLocks said...

I deleted these posts because this blog is a place for sharing, not for posting your 'cancer cures'. I trust and respect all my doctors because they have in fact, cured my cancer.

*high-five* to my doctors.

And *high-five* for my other lovely posters.

Dawny said...

I cannot even begin to know how you are feeling, so just to say, I'm listening....

you are amazing