Friday, March 11, 2011


Living post cancer is such a lonely thing. No one can share your fear with you when it pops up and no one can share your bone crushing exhaustion nor all the weird physical problems that arise. I feel a crossover of having such a successful show that I built from the ground up and the aftermath of it all. Being too tired to function really gets me down. I think it's the only time I start to waver and feel like my life is one huge black hole sucking the light out of me.

What good is the sunshine when you can't enjoy it? I hate those days when the sky is blue and I know I should be outside but just can't get up. I know I need to take care of myself for a few days or more until I feel better but this exhaustion always feels like defeat. It feels like I have let myself and my sons down.

I don't really know anyone that can understand this, or that's how I feel anyway. I tend to curl up into a ball and retreat from everyone until it's passed. I don't want anyone to see the deep gullies under my eyes or how much I've aged overnight. I would hate anyone to think of me as being haggard or worse yet feel sorry for me. I occasionally see myself in the mirror when I'm like this and it makes me sad for myself. Fuck cancer and everything it's done to my body. I just want the youthful strong body back again.

I know the feeling will pass and I'll get back to being myself again for a while. It's odd how this freakish exhaustion makes me feel like I've just bought a pass to loserville. My mind wants to think that it's my fault somehow, like I must have done something stupid or wrong. When you have chronic illness like this it seems like it could be easy to just give up on yourself and mentally check out . I believe in myself too much for that. I'm also as stubborn as they come. I will beat this, I will get up again and I will prevail. Fuck cancer.


Jens said...

I think to build up two art shows is something like a marathon.
You've come a long way.
Try to recover a little.

Loserville? No immigration permit for you!

Caroline said...

The emotional roller coaster lives. I think you should be proud of yourself for your art show - everything looked great. We all want our old bodies and energy back - but then I wonder would I have as many health problems without cancer? I don't know. All I know is I hate feeling like shit all the time.

I work at a non profit which has support groups for us cancer people. We just started a group for people after treatment who are coping with the emotional and physical side effects. You aren't alone in dealing with this crap.

BaldyLocks said...

I am very proud of myself. I just hate what I'm going through now. And yes, it was like a marathon and I feel fantastic that I made it to the finish line :)


Don't you hate it when there's a 'but'?

It sounds like what you do is pretty amazing Caroline. I haven't been able to find a group that works for me yet. I did do something with a group that was called Cancer Transitions. It showed me that I wasn't doing enough for myself, mostly because I don't have the resources.

Now that the show is up and when I start to feel better, I'm going to be focusing on myself a bit more. It feels weird because I'm so sick of myself.

I'm going to focus on nutrition and exercise.

Dawny said...

I still think you are bloody amazing ....

Rest, recuperate and rock !!!!!



BaldyLocks said...

Thanks Dawny. I think I feel a little better today.

Cancer Sisters said...

Yup, fuck cancer - you got that right. But your art show rocked. Take a bow, BaldyLocks.

hockeychic said...

Fuck cancer.

You are amazing and congratulations on your art show.

As Jens said, no immigration permit for you, you are most definitely not a resident of Loserville.

It has to be hard when your body betrays you. Be gentle to you.

AbsintheDragonfly said...

Dear Rose,

I don't know you, and I only came here via artfire forums where I found out that Etsy is trying to take your shop away from you.

I just want you to know, that I understand a bit. My husband spent 1 1/2 years fighting FUCKING CANCER, and 8 mo. of those were spend bedbound in the hospital attempting to NOT die.

It sucks, and it's hard, and somewhere deep inside us is this tiny voice, that says: no.

No you cannot have me, my life, my body. NO NO NO!

Life is never the same again. My husband is clean for almost 3 years now, pretty good for a guy whom should be dead.

There are still times where thinking about it stops me dead. I think about how much has changed and can never return.

I hope that you can find people who support you.

I will keep you in my thoughts.

Amanda C Feeley
Ames, IA