Living post cancer is such a lonely thing. No one can share your fear with you when it pops up and no one can share your bone crushing exhaustion nor all the weird physical problems that arise. I feel a crossover of having such a successful show that I built from the ground up and the aftermath of it all. Being too tired to function really gets me down. I think it's the only time I start to waver and feel like my life is one huge black hole sucking the light out of me.
What good is the sunshine when you can't enjoy it? I hate those days when the sky is blue and I know I should be outside but just can't get up. I know I need to take care of myself for a few days or more until I feel better but this exhaustion always feels like defeat. It feels like I have let myself and my sons down.
I don't really know anyone that can understand this, or that's how I feel anyway. I tend to curl up into a ball and retreat from everyone until it's passed. I don't want anyone to see the deep gullies under my eyes or how much I've aged overnight. I would hate anyone to think of me as being haggard or worse yet feel sorry for me. I occasionally see myself in the mirror when I'm like this and it makes me sad for myself. Fuck cancer and everything it's done to my body. I just want the youthful strong body back again.
I know the feeling will pass and I'll get back to being myself again for a while. It's odd how this freakish exhaustion makes me feel like I've just bought a pass to loserville. My mind wants to think that it's my fault somehow, like I must have done something stupid or wrong. When you have chronic illness like this it seems like it could be easy to just give up on yourself and mentally check out . I believe in myself too much for that. I'm also as stubborn as they come. I will beat this, I will get up again and I will prevail. Fuck cancer.