Sunday, July 31, 2011
Love has begun to be a thing that's simply a curiosity to me. Something that seems such a stranger that it's like an object I'd like to poke with a stick. I don't know if I'd even know how to do it anymore.
I see others in their relationships and it seems artificial to me. I see very authentic love and but it's like learning how to speak another language only from learning by a textbook but never hearing it. Or like having the wind brushing against your skin described to you without ever having felt it.
It's just been a damn long time, survival has been my only agenda for 5 years. I've noticed that people like to refer to someone single as being, 'desperate'. I've heard that many times but it doesn't make real sense. I like being on my own. Being single doesn't make one desperate.
I have thought about love and dating over the years. I've contemplated making a date to start caring about it, like maybe next year? or maybe in the summer or maybe in 3 months, yet those dates never seem to arise. Life has been so incredibly painful since cancer, why would I want to share that? I still end up having days of excruciating pain from graft vs host and I like to hide when I'm not well. I don't like anyone to know about it, I don't like anyone seeing it. I feel like and animal that crawls into it's den when it's ill, I'm not all that into sharesies.
I don't share communal food (like at parties), I don't want to share germs by being so close to anyone. The last few years has had my life on the line and I won't take chances being exposed to strangers. I was barred by my doctors from going on busses, movie theatres, airplanes etc for that exact reason. I don't want to have to explain what's happend to me, why I get so tired, explain what my limitations are or open up to anyone about having to have surgery on my vagina. It sounds like a complete nightmare.
It doesn't help that my previous loves left me hanging. I've never had someone that is by my side for me, would stand up for me, choose me over others or give me some emotional safety. I have learned through trial and error that the only one I can count on in life is myself. I can count on me, I will never betray myself or abandon myself. I believe in me. I can show myself kindness. I can get myself the things that I need.
I never want to be sitting in a hospital again clinging to life wondering, watching the door for him to walk in. Realizing that the person I had loved isn't bothered that I may die.