Monday, September 24, 2007

Owning the Ugly

This blog post is a confession.

I am ashamed of how I look. Through all of this shit I've been through I am SO bothered about how I look. The medications I'm on make my face round like a beach ball, distorts my body and makes me puffy all around. I don't mind chubby, I can deal with that. I'm not chubby, this is so much more than that. I don't see myself in the mirror anymore.

Losing my hair was like a challenge. I walked down the street with my head held high despite peoples reactions. I didn't wear a wig unless it was a wild unatural colour. I wasn't going to hide who I was, or what I was going through. That was before my bone marrow transplant. A couple of weeks after my transplant I was given high dose steroids to calm the graft vs host in my body. My face instantly changed and morphed into someone I didn't recognize.

I became so puffy that I couldn't roll myself over in bed and I felt like a sausage. That was last year. One year later I'm on a low dose, but it's enough that I don't look right. My curly hair doesn't help. Curly hair is so cute but it's like a foreign object on my head. Who is this person?

Sketch of me. Sept. 2006

I know this is temporary. I know I am not permanently disfigured, but I am ashamed to even leave my house. When I walk down the street I look down and never look someone in the eye. I am ashamed that I am ashamed.


Sewlutions' World said...

Hugs and prayers from me. Hang in there.


Kelly Kane said...

Your hair is fabulous! Curly is great - just think, you can be curly OR straight with just a little effort.