
Though, what may have seemed like anger actually felt more to me like pure unbridled energy. The wind thrashed and begged me to the water's edge. I found this boat, capsized and filling with water. Someone had obviously found it hitting the shore and tethered it so it wouldn't be lost. Despite it being a boat and all, I couldn't help but feel a kind of synthesis with it, as if it were playing out my story.
I often wonder if I am sinking or afloat? My energy is often so low that I stay in bed feeling ill. I no longer see the same person in me. I constantly refer to "before" and what I "used" to be able to do. Sometimes I feel like a middle aged man who can't stop talking about his football days. I suppose it hasn't been that long, only a year and a half. Sometimes I feel angry.
I watched the boat and thought about the people who I've known during this time, who have been lost. I hear so much about "attitude" and how it can make such a difference. I've always felt very confident that this would all be a bump in the road for me. I've dealt with worse. Well this is one hell of a bump. Were those people who didn't make it unsure? Hell yes. Is that why they sank? I doubt it. Cancer is something which you have no control over. You become a "yes man" to the Dr.s and pray.

Cancer treatment is pretty harsh and unnatural. Some people wonder if it's worth it? Some people will do anything to stay. I watched the boat break apart under the crushing waves which came one by one, unrelenting. The poor battered boat probably didn't look so old and abandoned yesterday.

As I walked down the beach to head home I couldn't help but think how tomorrow the wind would be tamer.
That boat could be hauled in and have the water bailed out.
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