Sunday, October 28, 2007


So after my scare yesterday, I woke up not feeling too badly. I got up before noon for once. I made some tea and went down to my scary scary studio. I haven't been in there for a while because of my fatigue.

I'm sure you know, but there are different levels of scary. Evil phone call level 12, messy studio level 8, teenage boys level 5. (Let's not forget I have 3 of them). Sponge Bob theme music level 3. Unfortunately I'm being forced to listen to it right now.

This struggle to exist is so difficult. Truthfully this treatment is worse than the cancer. The cancer made me sick and would have killed me. The bone marrow transplant may make me sick and disabled for life (and may kill me). Great choices. I firmly believed that I would get back to "normal" but now I wonder what is normal? What kind of normal can I live with?

This brain fog and memory problem is so frustrating. I feel like a complete moron often. If I interact with people I am more likely to feel bad because I may say something dumb which is obvious to others but I have forgotten. I did that yesterday. My severe fatigue also makes me a little bit dopey when I get overwhelmed. I get overwhelmed when there are too many people or if I'm in an unfamiliar place.

Yesterday I picked up my boys at swimming and we sat down so they could have fries. I was proud that I had the energy to find the place. As I sat there my youngest went to go get something but was paranoid his brother would eat his fries. For good reason. I was left to guard but my middle son said "What does that say?" and pointed behind me. Duh. I looked and he ate a fry. Ok. So that's not SO bad but he did it three times and I looked each time.

Then he said "Hey, there is SoAndSo", and I looked again. Do I laugh or do I cry about that?

It's kind of funny but I still might cry.

I still want to do my Masters at University. I doubt they will accept me if they do the old "Made you look", graduate test.

I meant to write about my studio. What happened there?


Marissa L. Swinghammer said...

My mom had a brain tumor 30 years ago and the treatment left permanent and very significant damage. She never got her hair back, she had balance problems, seizures and more. It didn't change how people thought of her and how much they loved her at all. In fact, she's my hero.

If you ask your loved ones if they would rather have you alive with these problems I am sure they would say a resounding yes. I barely know you and I certainly do! You are a strong role model.

You may never be like you were before, but you can adapt.

Kelly Kane said...

3 Boys?! Wow, your pre-cancer life is a mystery to me! I feel like you need to post your backstory, afterall, we're bestfriends! :)


Bohemian Chic said...

I agree with m.lee.....we love having you around and your boys were always good at the made you look game..being as cute as they are..who wouldn't look.(they had me going a few times)...and they sooooo get that from you.

Take each day 5 minutes at a time and celebrate the small things, you helped teach me that. You are such a positive upbeat person that anything you set your mind too will happen. Things will get better, your fatique will lesson and you will begin to think clearer. These things take time and all though you may never have the exact same energy level you had now know what most of us don't...the important things in life are what you put your energy into. You know exactly what you want and what don't. You get a do over and you get to re-invent yourself. I happen to know that you do more from your bed then most of us do all I wouldn't be so hard on yourself. List 5 things to do each day...2 you have to do, 2 you want to do, 1 you would love to do...set small goals until you have the energy to add one thing more to the list...

P.S. I have seen your studio, its not that scarey...