Monday, December 17, 2007

Death of the Eternal Optomist

I'm plagued by apathy. I hope this is temporary and I'll find my fire again. I'm just not sure how to battle for my life anymore. I'm not referring to cancer but just the barrage of pain and difficulty I've endured for too long. I'm worn out at 35. The leukemia was just the tipper.

I felt like the leukemia came to save me because my life was too much to bear. My poor body was running out of steam. The cancer allowed me to quit, literally everything. Instead of dying I felt like maybe I had another chance to rebuild. I'm sure I felt like that in the first place because I was so ill, and I lost my grandfather and my great uncle and someone I loved.

Like I've said I'm not a fan of looking back, there's too much pain back there. Forward has always been my hope. I don't see my future now.

It was beginning to look brighter as my health improved. Yesterday was a dream crushing day even though I thought I was over it. Love sucks holy fucking hell.

My blood test results came back and my liver has gone afoul again. I'm just waiting from a call from my oncologist. I feel like I've reverted back to a state of 15 year old teen angst. FTW.

I've always believed I could make the world a better place. I've always felt with hope and hard work I would make a place for myself here. I'm so tired of trying.


Miss Melanoma said...

Hey hon,
When you feel like you can't try and be an optimist anymore, give yourself a break and let us do it for you.
As for making the world a different and better place, you have already done that, my friend.


stilettoheights said...

I hope you are feeling better today, even though you may not feel like an optimist, you really are someone of great courage.