Friday, January 4, 2008

Note To Self, "Get Over It"

This post will likely be vague to protect the clueless.

Before I became ill there was briefly a someone in my life. I'm not sure what really happened with it all as my life spiraled downward in a cloud of mental chaos with my illness. It all happened at the same time. I feel as if I have jumped two years into the future and I missed it. What happened there? I'd like an explanation. Where's my "closure".

I know after returning from 6 months in hospital I tried to get my "talk" but I was put off. Perhaps it was the discomfort about my situation (cancer) perhaps it was discomfort of the other party's life. I know I deserve it but closure is not something which is owed to us. We are on our own in most things.

It hurts. It hurts to not know what happened. It hurts to have lost even the most basic of contact. It hurts to think, "maybe I just suck?" I have to admit despite all the time that's gone by I'm still in a whir of, "what the hell is happening to me?" It hurts to be missing the compassion. Every life is valuable. Is there no gladness that I'm still here? I just about died for fuck's sake.

My stubborn assed self wants to say, "Fuck YOU", and the other stubborn part wants to tackle and say, "what the hell?", but I get nothing but silence.

I'm left to wonder to myself about the reasoning. I try to talk myself out of the thought that I'm not wanted...I was no fun...I did something offensive.

As time goes on and I am still caught in the time warp, it feels like it was yesterday but it wasn't. I need to get over this.


Miss Melanoma said...

Correct me if I'm wrong here, chica, but if this was me writing this post, I believe you'd be a little more forgiving of the writer. Although I know what you mean about the closure (I lost of friend of 17 years after my cancer diagnosis, and I'm still not sure why?) I would lay more of the responsibility on this anonymous individual than yourself. After all, you did try to get an answer, it's just that some people (whoever he/she may be) SUCK. I say, let yourself grieve, and then move on, because it's obvious they never deserved you to begin with. You're wonderful and deserve someone with the nuts to give you answers and support.


Christina Hill said...

Some people just don't know how to deal and don't know how to interact with the rest of the human world. You are a wonderful person in a difficult place and are deserving of somebody who knows how to love. Obviously the one you were with was not that person. Shine on beautiful!