Wednesday, October 8, 2008

One Year Bloggaversary

WARNING< written while on sleeping meds.

So, I've been writing my blog for 1 year. I started it for a few reasons. I had being desperately trying to connect with other people my age who had been though cancer and were more honest with the way they dealt with it. What I mean by that is they didn't subscribe to the stereotypes that are fed to us on a daily basis through the media and campaigns. "Be positive," "Cancer is a gift," "I am now ethereal being who has seen the light!"

I don't think so. There was so much seriousness and sadness out there but I love to laugh. I had to fight to be me. This fight was particularly hard because I had been through hell for a year and had been tapering off medications that made me ill and kept me from sleeping. I had been coming out of my fog to freedom. That was when the GVH popped up and started attacking my liver. This petrified me because I watched someone die slowly of liver failure from GVH disease. It was not pretty and I was terrified for my liver and my life. I received the news that the prednisone(evil) was back on again.

I knew the drill for the rate of deterioration my brain and body would endure. I felt fine for a month and then the symptoms rolled in full force. I was a zombie again, unable to function or retain any memory. By this point it was the summer and I was unable to take care of myself or my kids so they went to my parents. I spent that summer day after day alone and frustrated. Frustrated with my body, frustrated with how the world perceives cancer and for the lack of it being acceptable for a cancer patient to BE angry. I was angry, fuck it all dammit!

I scoured the internet looking for others but kept finding abandoned blogs where the writer had died. I felt quite grief stricken then. I wanted to find live people! I wanted proof that I could live and come out of this with flying colours.

I remember spending most of my summer on the hammock on my patio unable to move. I was too exhausted to make meals or even get a glass of water. I hated everything then. I hated my useless situation and I was burning to prove that being angry and being yourself when you had cancer was ok. Hell, it's necessary! Before I knew it, in my angry ass busting mode, I created a blog.

I knew nothing of my computer and I didn't know what a blog was. I just did it anyway.

The second reason was because I'm the strong silent type who keeps in all the hard stuff. I don't want to be seen as weak or as having needs. Idle chatter is not my thing. Talking about myself is not my thing. I've actually frustrated many a person I've known because I don't share or divulge much of myself. This blog helped me stretch those boundaries. I'm always about stretching boundaries because I am about pushing forward and my forward with cancer was to try and express it.

My way. Whatever I wrote, it was for me.

I also wanted a blog that would touch others and hopefully give them something good they could find when in they were feeling distraught. I would create the thing I wanted to see.

I also wanted to tell the truth.

Physically I'm not where I'd hoped to be today. I'm now back to the point I was over a year ago because my liver got better and the prednisone has been dropped. I'm still in a middle mode of healing. Where I will be in another year, I can't even tell. But I hope I'm still here.

Being here is good.

By the way, I turned 36 and I am SO thankful to be 36. 36 Rocks!


Anonymous said...

36 is a good age; you're right! I remember liking being 36.

Cancer takes a lot of courage to fight against. I have a lot of respect for your struggle, and I wish for you a good year and lots of health and strength!

Sister Mary Martha said...

You being here is good.

High Desert Diva said...

It's been a pleasure meeting you through blogland. I'm very glad you've celebrated your 36th!

Happy belated birthday!

Rosebud Collection said...

I would like to know what jackass said "cancer is a gift"? They had to be out of their minds..It is a horrible disease and everyone deals with it the best they can..Happy Birthday to you and always enjoy your blog because it is so truthful.


I'm glad you're here and I love reading you! 36 is a cool age!

Peace :0)

My Inspired Reality said...

I wish you a great year - enjoy your honesty and appreciate your struggle with cancer. My husband has it and it is indeed a very hard journey.

Sherry said...

Happy, Happy birthday. Your blog is so refreshing, and you don't even know how many people you've touched.

36 is pretty cool too.

nichole said...

Happy blog birthday! Your honesty is refreshing, and it was a pleasure to read this. Enjoy 36! It's a great year.

Mary Richmond said...

this is a great post. i am also a cancer survivor and one who got really tired of hearing how cancer was really a gift, blah, blah, blah....i had my boob cut off and it really didn't feel like much of a gift....and i'm fine and i'm grateful and all that but sometimes you just want to say y'know, i'll make it through this most likely but it really does suck.....i think we need to allow each other the chance to say that now and then and to be allowed to grieve our losses, however small or big others might imagine them to be. one of the biggest things all cancer patients lose is their innocence. life and death never look quite so black and white again....congrats on your battle and happy birthday and 36 is a great age!

hockeychic said...

Congratulations on your one year bloggaversary! I love your blog and your take on things. Being 36 is wonderful (I'm four years past that...) and you are making progress on the healing path. I'm glad to be along on your journey.

BaldyLocks said...

Looks like I forgot to mention the part where I meet all the wonderful people in blogland.


Anonymous said...

Happy birthday! I just wanted to mention that I think your writing is really amazing, I don't know if you see that or not. You have a gift with words & images, maybe you can parlay it into a fortune?! I'm glad you're here too.


Anonymous said...

Dinge, die Sie schreiben, machen mich manchmal nachdenklich und manchmal lächele ich wenn ich sie lese.
Nicht nur worüber Sie schreiben sondern auch Ihre Ausdrucksweise ist fesselnd.
Wussten Sie, dass Sie literarisch begabt sind? Nicht nur in der Malerei. Erstaunlich.
Glueckwuensche zum Geburtstag.

(Things you write, make me sometimes thoughtful and sometimes I smile when I read it.
Not only what you write but also your expression is captivating.
Did you know that you are literarily gifted? Not only in the painting. Amazing.
Happy birthsday.)

Anonymous said...

Uupps! I've forgotten something! If you like to laugh, I want to give you a video clip recommend.
It is a bit self-ironic because we Germans can not correctly pronounce the th -thing.
Whenever we try a poor s coming out of our mouths.
The coast guard man thinks that his pronunciation is correct. So he interprets s sounds of emergency call as English th.
I hope it will you charm a smile on the lips.
On Youtube search for: berlitz german coast guard.

BaldyLocks said...

That Youtube video is hilarious! I just put it into my favourites! I think I'll even share that with a few friends.

Ha ha! Love it!

LiPeony said...

a bit late but yeah very inspiring.. actually my post about the hero and the princess... was made after I read your blog... inspiration comes when you least expect it =D

The Ebon Swan said...

Happy birthday, darlin'. 36 is a very cool age, let's see if you can double that. ;) My dad was just diagnosed, it's a helluva road to travel.

Chelsey - The Paper Mama said...

Thank you for the read. I am also happy to hear you've celebrated your 36th birthday!


Anonymous said...

go baldylocks!

Susan C said...

A belated happy birthday to you and happy blog anniversary. Wishing you many, many more.