Tuesday, December 29, 2009


I feel a huge shift happening with my life right now. It feels as if the very cellular make up of my body is reconstructing to something completely different (which we all know it actually is, RIP to my DNA thanks to the BMT). My environment has changed, the things I need have changed and the very structure of the people in my life has shifted. The things I thought I could count on are gone. The poisonous people are gone and now that they are, I can actually see how much better off I am. I can also see very clearly the scars that are left from being in relationships that hurt and damage.

I have SWAT Teams swooping down on my building, I've barely moved for 2 months, I'm on the end of the Earth. I'm fully encompassed in a life that is nothing short of weird. I even have cable. I feel alien here or maybe more specifically like Alice in Wonderland, the one difference is that I know I'm not going to wake up out of this... this is my life.

I'm so lonely which is something else I'm not used to. Historically I've always been to busy and driven to be lonely. I'd like to pretend that I at least have a touch of control but there isn't much use in pretending. I guess I'll just have to surrender (my Oprah word for the day) to it and see where this is all going.

Ever watch Goonies? The part where they are sliding down tunnels to a strange destination is where I am now, maybe there are pirates at the end?

There are big changes happening. I guess it's fitting that it's happening right at the opening of 2010, I can just pretend that it's part of my New Year's resolutions and that it's all normal.

someone to Me: "So what are your New Year resolutions?"

Me: "To change my entire life"

someone to Me: "cool"

Good or bad, I'll make it work.


'Cuz I Felt Like It! said...

It's been a strange time for me too. Not that I can compare situations though. I've just felt like I've lost control and for a control freak, that can be quite difficult.

I had to flip the switch and turn it around....which hasn't been easy and still ain't. I really believe though that if I get up and think something positive and continue that all day long, eventually, I won't just be fakin' myself out and I'll in reality fall into a more positive light.

Here's to a better year in 2010!

Jens said...

I would not make a "write-off " to your DNA too soon.
Only the DNA of your blood cells is slightly different (the only way it could be a match).
You're just you, 100%.
In this way you should think about it.

Oh, and my resolution for the new year: I'll try not to be a smartass.

naw said...

hey old friend, change is a good thing. Renewed and Recharged are all good. there is usually good that comes out of change even if it des not appear as such at first but it puts you into a new place that yes at first might be scary, but if we are not scared we are not really living as with out fear it means we are not taking chances, reaching out to the unknown. So as you slide down or up that tube even though you dont know what will be at the bottom know that there will be some familiar people at the end of it to catch you and be with you whom are also going through major transformations along side you. Looking forward to sharing both our changes together in 2010 and forward. :)