Tuesday, August 23, 2011


I know I've disappeared from the blog front. I wish I could say I was out having great summer adventures and I am in a way. It's been taking everything I have to work at my new jobs. Jobs plural. I never ever do things halfway, I'm in a %125 or I'm out.

I'm so ecstatically, over the top happy to be employable again, you have no idea. Five years off for a naturally ambitious person like me is a slow painful experience. I felt irrelevant, unneeded, incapable and useless. I spent each and every day pinning about the day I would be well enough again for life. Five years is a hell of a long time to be trapped inside your own house with your personal demons (and I don't mean my sons).

I found that it was like a slow motion life-passing-in-front-of-your-eyes kind of gig. Every moment of my life, often painful ones, bubbled up to the surface. Truthfully they were things I had blocked from my mind with work. Keeping busy was like a drug to me before and this post existence is like being strapped to a chair forced to watch movies of my life, highlighting the mistakes, the losses and all that. Painful. I've made mistakes. It's hard to know what the worst ones may have been.

I've also done some things damn well.

I always seem to be going farther than my own capacity. Therefore one job turns into two. After the hellish first couple of months where I was in complete pain until I scraped myself out of bed to go back the next day, I've continued to go too far. I'm only working 3 shortish days a week and I have shifts of my other job tucked here and there. I decided to forego my summer for this grand experience and I'm mostly happy with it, except for the fact that I haven't gotten to enjoy any summer!

That and I felt so confident like I was getting my feet again, that I booked the first two weeks of August working. I worked almost every day. Near the end of the two weeks I felt myself melting and my functioning took a nosedive. It was even noticed by my boss which felt like a real kick in the gut. I go to work and while I'm there I swing between, "I can do this! I can do this!", to, "Oh my god, they are going to fire me" I seem to even manage to tell myself they are going to fire me when I'm doing good job.

I have such high standards for myself that I do things well, but I drive myself to the brink of insanity. I guess I'm never quite good enough for myself. Anyway, I just got carried off on a tangent. I'm tired. I worked myself to the point on non functioning (did I say that already?) and it's been hard. Too tired to eat, too tired to drink, I crave goodies when I'm laid out like this. I have completely crashed. My house of cards has come down.

What did I expect?

I had my three days off hoping to recuperate and I went back to work in the same state. I managed to get through another week and am trying my best to recoup before going back again. I am on my third consecutive pajamas day. I even had a shower yesterday just to put them right back on again. If my other job calls I will have to say no, I'm kind of scared.

I need to get back to it and keep going, not just lay on the floor and become useless again. I've been too tired to even sit at my computer and respond to emails. The lousy thing is I didn't even make it a financially worthwhile compared to pacing myself through the month. I'm nowhere. Well, I'm not nowhere, I'm employed.

I love being employed. I know my limits now and won't push them again.

Well heck, who am I kidding.


Caroline said...

The one thing that has helped me in making it through a work day/week is getting in better shape physically. I finally joined a gym last winter that I go to regularly. I feel better, have more energy and fewer pains. But I think its great you are working!! Give it time to build up your strength some more

SammyD said...

Hey there, I guess I'm in a pretty similar situation, although perhaps I've had a little longer to adjust back into the workforce. I'm now 5 years post treatment, only 29yo but I sometimes feel like my body is 80. Things have slowly got better for me, still tired as hell but at least now I can focus for most of the day!

I really do hope you get stronger and work becomes easier. One thing I have done to improve energy is re-jig my circadian rhythm. Sleep is obviously very important, but its useless if your body clock is out of whack.

Anyway, pop over to my blog at http://lifeafterlymphoma.blogspot.com and say hello!

All the best,


Jens said...

Yes, you're ambitious. That's good. Allow yourself a little break sometimes. Everyone needs these little breaks to "recharge". I know it's hard to stay patient. You're already on the right path. Viewed from the outside, it is clearly visible.
Keep it up.

Alice said...

Hi there,
I work for Cancer and Careers, an organization dedicated to helping people balance work and cancer, and we'd love to have you share this story through a guest blog on our site. Feel free to email me for more info: amckenney@cew.org
Alice McKenney
Manager of Programs
Cancer and Careers

LindaSue said...

You are amazing! Happy rebirthday. I hope you soon find all the energy you need to fulfill your ambitious dreams.