So what I'm learning is, there are a lot of nice people around. I'm also being reminded that I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to others. Couple that with the newness of my job and I feel pretty stressed in general. Thank goodness Spring is coming. Each sunny day I feel a little more energised.
I still need to figure out how to take care of myself. I'm still trying to build a new life and get out of this bubble. I'm afraid of illness, germs, people, loss and about me being broken in general. There is a deep seeded fear that no one will ever want me.
I thought after my bone marrow transplant I would one day get better and walk away from it all. Now I know that it's embedded in me forever. As an artist I can see good things in that, I can take my experiences and create with them.
Now I need to let people back in my life. I've always kept such a distance from people, I would never tell them anything about myself. I had a deep line drawn in the sand around me. I hope I can let that go and invite someone in.
I hear you about the bubble. I'm just weeks out of my last round of chemo and feel like a total germaphobe, a) because my blood counts are in the crapper, and b) I've developed i hatred for sneezers, couriers and sniffly noses, well maybe not hate.. Anyways your blog is very relatable for a gal like me, going through AML. I wish you nothing but the best. Found you through StupidCancer. I also blog about my thoughts too, so thanks for being open and willing to share your journey. It can be hard, but we can do it. All the best -Ashley
Thanks for your lovely comment, Swirl Girl. I don't meet many people with AML. I wish you all the best and More.
I wish you a wonderful weekend.
Two things that struck me in your post was:
Fear is such a basic emotion that it just manages to creep on you without realizing. it takes constant monitoring of ones thoughts to get rid of it.
I work as a play therapist and paint/ sketch from time to time myself. I find art / play (for me they are equivalent) are infact very good mediums of communication. Often verbal talks are unheard by people however we talk because we need to. Art / Play too do the same. I wouldnt really put myself against the wall if I am not a very social person.
Wish you health and peace.
You too, Jens.
My name is Evan Bartlett, and I was diagnosed with Leukemia when I was 4 months old. I am now 20 years old. I bring this up only because I am currently working on a documentary called, Discovering The Beating Path. We will be embarking on a journey across the West July 1st- August 20th. Along the way we will stop at cancer camps, retreats, and support groups.
I've been reading your blogs, and I love what you have to say about cancer. I feel that everyone survivor story must be told. My crew and I are trying to promote our project as much as possible. I provided a couple links so you could get a better understanding:
Please let me know if you are interested in helping us out. Feel free to ask any questions you may have.
I Survived Cancer
Discovering The Beating Path
Hey have'nt been able to comment for a while...
Just popped by to say Hi and think of you often
You should know that I mentioned you and your blog in my book "Chief Complaint, Brain Tumor" which was recently published. Here's what I wrote: "then I stumbled across Fuck Cancer and the horse it rode in on. The blog’s URL tells you something too: http://baldylocks.blogspot.com. The “Stupid Cancer Rant” video she posted captured her bubbling emotional cocktail of rage, anguish and bravado in a way that just cracked me up. It adroitly walks
the fine line between comedy and tragedy."
All the best,
I've been AWOL from here for a while, living life & whatnot :)
John, your comment about my blog is very cool! Thank you for the mention.
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