Moving and Other Dramatic Change of Events

I guess I'm moving. Really, I knew either way I would be moving out of here.

It's crazy how life can turn on a dime and my dime has been turned more than I want to count. It's pretty much scuffed up at this point. Sometimes things slowly creep up on you and sometimes events are like a swift, blind punch to the face.

I went to my oncology and oncology/dental appointments last Thursday. The appointments went mostly as I had expected. The graft/vs/host has returned and my mouth is as uncomfortable as ever. My eyes have the GVH dryness, I'm having gut pains and my Dr is concerned about Ms Vagina again.

Ms Super Vagina had been given the thumbs up 3 months ago but problems in the mouth=problems "down there". Anyway, I giggled to my Dr that the mouth problems I can live with. The worst part is my lack of being able to wear lipstick, ha ha. We chatted about our sons (I have 3, she has 4) and I talked about how much my oldest (18) has been through with my illness etc. and how he's finally pulled himself out of his funk. The next day I found him with a black eye.

My onco-dentist said how mild graft/vs/host is a good thing because it keeps the leukemia away. Way to give a positive spin...Dr. So my medications are not being lowered, I repeat, NOT GOING TO BE LOWERED. That's okay. After this heavy duty of a cocktail of drugs for this amount of time, I'm probably completely preserved.

I did hear one thing that I didn't expect. My onc said, "We don't expect it to come back". My ears prick up. Excuse me? What? You don't expect my leukemia to come back?

My world is changing now. It looks so different suddenly. What's that I see?

I think that's my future.

Search for My Outer Hotness

I've lost my lustre. I feel like a shiny penny that's been left in a drainpipe.

I guess I shouldn't complain, my puffy head has gone down since last year, (see enclosed comparative photos), but I don't feel the same. I feel so tired inside and out. I've been trying to work on my physical strength but every time I look in the mirror, I still feel sad. Where did the last few years go and where the hell did all these wrinkles come from? It's like I just woke up and they were there. It's as if I look like I'm *gasp* middle aged! Before I was diagnosed people always thought I was about 24. I thought they were crazy but now I'm about ready to randomly pay people to tell me I look 30 or 24, or to tell me I'm not fading to grey. Speaking of, I did just have some random girl at a till, say, "Nice brows".



Okay, tangent over. Hitting middle age wouldn't be such a terrible thing because that would mean I'd live until I'm 72. Not too shabby! Thumbs up for 72!

My current look is not me. It's me that has been sick for a long time. I decided to spend more time on girly stuff and work on getting my pre-sick look back. I asked for a curling iron for Christmas and I got one! This is my first curling iron ever!!! Next I had my hair cut but I had a hard time getting the hairstylist to realize I wanted short bangs. I explained it over and over and asked her to cut them even shorter but she didn't. I also said I wanted to dye my hair black again and she asked me if that would be too extreme. Next I went to Mac makeup with a gift card I had received and was asking about colours. Again, she was showing me to the very subdued shades.

I feel like standing up on a soap box to start yelling, YES! This is what I want! I want to be extreme and vibrant and all the things I feel I should be! And I'm going to have to start cutting my own bangs again, dammit! It may be tragic but at least it will still be me! I also went out, bought and applied white nail polish. Why white? Because that is something I would do. Period.

So, after telling another mac makeup genius that I want to be dramatic, she helped me in a great way. I came home with lots of stuff that is really fun and makes me feel like a hottie again. I've been glitterized.

All my hair products were from before I went bald so they were old and had to be thrown out. Luckily I found the one product that makes my hair behave and got that for Christmas! Score!

Next on my list of self discovering my outer hotness, I am going to see a dentist for a full cleaning. I haven't have a proper dental appointment since the, you know what. Recent cancer dentist appointments have been to look for evidence of Graft/vs/Host in my mouth. My teeth need some serious TLC. They need a good buff and shine.

I need buffing in other areas too, but that's a whole other blog post.

Happy New Year!