New Job

I applied for a new job and got it! It feels like everything has changed on a dime but for the better for once. I felt like my soul was rotting away here in my home. I wanted to be out doing things but I had nowhere to go. The first job that I went back to (after 5 years) has been really slow because it's the summer. My stamina is still low but improving and I think my excitement about where I'm going is helping tremendously.

The last few years an idea had developed about the atmosphere I'd like to be in. It actually feels somewhat essential rather than a choice. I need to be in a creative environment working with other creative people. A place where my skills are used and appreciated. Somewhere, where I feel charged up to get home and do some creative work like painting. I thought that would mean me creating that for myself and being self employed.

I tried to rent an itsy bitsy studio space a few months ago but it disappeared as soon as I applied for it. It felt like another small loss in a grand series of losses. I started feeling like there may never be a better space for me, or any place on this Earth. I feel disjointed and like I don't belong. I live in a beautiful neighborhood in the most desirable place in a very desirable city. Gratefully I live in social housing now which has kept us from being homeless but we don't fit in here.

The neighbors don't speak to us and everyone keeps to themselves where I'm used to knowing the people around me. The energy here is bad. I realized why people here won't talk to each other when I had the SWAT team surround my house because the person two doors over was selling drugs and had the neighbor on the other side of me subtly terrorizing me because my son put a millimeter ding on his car door. Our spaces are squeezed together and I have plenty of dings on my car door from the other neighbors and I paid him to have it repaired but this guy went ballistic and threatening. I had to request to move my parking space and avoid him until the day he was hauled away by the police for battering his family. Not so nice.

I'm sure most of the people here are probably nice but we pass by with no eye contact after me trying for 2 years to say, 'Hi' to them. It feels like an alternate universe living here. Beautiful yet as a small complex we are unwelcome.

This loss of feeling in control has hit me hard.

So applying for my first job helped me feel a bit better. Applying for and getting the second has made me feel useful again.

I work part time for a small local clothing design company that is far better than I could have imagined. Where I felt listless, I now feel energised. I'm scared of not physically being able to keep up but so far so good. I'm happy and I honestly can't say when I last felt that. I suspect it was two years ago before I moved here. I need to get out of this place. Getting out of this mountain of debt is going to be one hell of a struggle but at least I will be able to try.

I need to instill a feeling of confidence in me somewhere. I'm so happy to say it has started.

Trying

The last 2 months I've been exercising again. Every time I've been able to get a bit stronger since my transplant, I have a huge setback by getting sick. It got to the point that I was afraid to try. I actually have an instinct to stop whatever I'm doing to keep my heart rate down. That's because I've always exceeded my capabilities and ended up bed ridden from exhaustion. There is nothing I hate more than being kept down waiting for my body to recover.

I wanted to mention that the reason I have such a hard time recovering is because I'm one of those lucky folk that ended up with chronic graft/vs/host disease from my transplant. As hard as it can be at times, it's not as hard as I had imagined it would be. When I read my binder that the hospital gave me on bone marrow transplants it gave me the percentages of those who would die from the procedure. Then it talked about the percentage of people who may get acute graft/vs/host. Then it talked about the percentage of people it would be fatal for. Then it talked about the percentage of people who would get chronic graft/vs/host and the percentage it would be fatal for. It was like reading a horror novel even with the perky little clip art. I was convinced that I would not be one of the %25 that would suffer with the chronic kind. I was happy (if you can call it that) when I had the acute GVHD but then it continued on.

Comparing it to the fear of what I thought it would be like, it's not that bad. It's fearing fear itself, I guess you could say. The good part of the GVHD is that it helps ensure longevity. Also, exercise in transplant patients is shown to increase our life spans.

So for my mood, that's a tougher one. In the past I dealt with my anxieties my working 24/7 and exercising. Post cancer, that's been impossible. Every day now that I get out and do something like hiking up the mountain or up hills in my neighborhood, I feel a strong sense of accomplishment. When I get home I feel like I'm being swallowed up by my circumstances.

In my pre cancer life I had to deal with harsh realities and I have experienced depression before. I did everything I could with my doctor until she told me there was nothing more she could do for me. Then I started counseling, not believing in it but determined to find a way to ease my chronic anxiety. The counseling was very helpful. I also started working even harder to change my circumstances. The more I was actively trying to fix it, the more in control I felt, the stronger I felt, the happier I felt.

I know medications for depression help people but they don't help me. I help me. The more I do to change what I've been dealt, the more in control I feel and the better I feel.

All through my transplant I reacted oddly to my medications, I turned into a big pain in the butt for my oncologists. I guess my chemistry is just different.

So I've been exercising for 2 months and am feeling stronger. I finally was able to go back to my old job but there are hardly any hours due to it being summer. I knew I need creativity in my life but I have been finding it so hard to be self motivated right now. I feel like I'm piled with impossible things.

So I applied for another job. It's in a creative studio atmosphere with other creative people. Somehow I managed to get the job even when there was a pile of applicants. So far I ride my bike downtown and get to work in a bright beautiful happy place. It's everything I wanted for my life but I'm working for someone else rather than doing it on my own. I hope I've found a way to fill those needs even if it's in a slightly different format. I'm flat out exhausted and in pain when I get home but I feel accomplished. I hope this new schedule helps me correct the imbalances that I live with right now.

When I got there on the first day I found out they had seen my website and knew that I had had cancer. I hadn't brought it up in the interview, not that I didn't intend to but it never came up. I felt it would have been like whacking someone on the head to bring it up out of the blue. Even though I ended up chatting with my employer about what I'd been through, there in that environment the cancer seemed small. It seemed like a small side piece of my life rather that the suffocating omnipresent monster blocking out the light. And that's what I'm looking for. Rather than seeing the ruined city, I want to see the sunset over the fields.

HOLY EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITIES BATMAN!

So, I'm still pretty, meh, today and spent the morning answering emails and pondering a few things. Last night on the phone I was speaking to a friend and I said, "Something's gotta give". I can't keep going like this. Paying around $200 a month for non covered medications is digging a deep hole of debt coming up towards $7,000 on credit cards at %19 interest. Scary.

My sons need things for school and bus money to be able to get to school. I almost cried buying my oldest 2 pairs of shoes a few days ago. One was a pair of runners for gym and the other I made sure was completely water proof because it rains so much here. When you have one pair of shoes to walk in every day they better be able to withstand any kind of weather.

Not being able to works sucks hardcore and it hurts to not be able to give my sons things they need. The mounting debt has been making things harder and harder. I'm resilient but, come on! I just wistfully wait for the day that I can tackle that debt and move on. It will happen..it will.

So I decided to take my book out into the sunshine to read. I usually crack out one of my vintage dresses (thrift stores are the best) and look all dolled up because I'm trying to make up for lost time. Make up for being ugly for three years, that is.

But for some reason today I slipped into an old pair of jeans that I used to paint in. I rolled up the legs so they are calf length, pulled on a summery black top and left my chemo curls flowing around my shoulders. I popped on my Jackie-O style sunglasses and walked out the door.

As I walked I passed through the square that has the old but still running live theatre. I sat on a stone bench in front of the open workshop doors and opened my mail. My hydro bill is double because I missed paying it last month somehow (stupid chemo brain). I sat a little confuzzled and noticed a man chatting to a woman outside of the shop.

I finally had someone I could ask about where to buy gaffer tape! Gaffer tape is used in music and theater shows but I'm looking for it to make a hoop. He asked me if I was looking for real gaff tape or the shiny kind, which I'm assuming he meant electrical tape. I said, "no, the real stuff", then in passing I mentioned I used to be a scenic painter in a prominent theatre but live in this neighborhood now.

I don't remember the exact words but he said they are often in need of casual set crew. I said, "Oh, who would I speak to about that?" He answered that he is the guy because he's the production manager. Then I introduced myself and he asked me to drop off my resume. I thanked him and went on my way, after telling me where I could get the tape I need. DOUBLE SCORE!

So, I went to university to move away from scenic painting but I won't look a gift horse in the mouth. Scenic painting without a doubt I can do, although I don't know how my body will react to that. I know my Dr. said no but this is casual work...

As I walked away I stared at my stiff hands and gave them a stretch. Will they work? If I can't do this, I can't do anything...

I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.... fingers crossed X a million.

Dream Job

I think I may have stumbled upon a dream job I never knew I wanted. This titillating job offer is from Craigslist s.f.bayarea.

"I've been trying to think of ways to spice up my life. I'm 35 years old, happily married with two kids and I have a good job in insurance. But somethings missing. I feel like I'm old before my time. I need to inject some excitement into my daily routine through my arm before its too late. I need a challenge, something to get the adrenaline pumping again. An addiction would be nice, but, in short, I need a nemesis. I'm willing to pay $350 up front for you services as an arch enemy over the next six months. Nothing crazy. Steal my parking space, knock my coffee over, trip me when Im running to catch the BART and occasionaly whisper in my ear, "Ahha, we meet again". That kind of thing. Just keep me on my toes. Complacency will be the death of me. You need to have an evil streak and be blessed with innate guile and cunning. You should also be adept at inconsicuous pursuit. Evil laugh preferred. Send me a photo and a brief explanation why you would be a good nemesis.

British accent preferred."