Stress Vent

My mind is getting away from me and Google is at my fingertips. I promised myself, I wouldn't mention avascular necrosis until I know for sure but waiting is so hard. When they booked the MRI it wasn't a long wait but still a waiting game.

My brain keeping pinging around to my life after being diagnosed with degenerative condition but I need to put on the brakes. It's just so damn hard to not flip out at the unknown. I like to know what's going on in me. I read my own bloodwork results and follow along with all the tests I get.

I manage to stay away for a few days and then there I go, Googling it again. Every site has different takes on it. The one I just found said that in the early stages before there is much damage, it can be recommended to keep the weight off the joint in hopes that it will heal. It showed illustrations of a normal hip and then another with the crumbling hip ball. I went back to my X-rays and stared hard at them.

I imagine having to get another handicapped place card for my car and then I cry a bit. Then I begin designing what my crutches will look like. I think I would paint them white with pink flames... and maybe a hot red-cross symbol. They'd be super hot. Then I could start wearing matching nurse outfits with the white nurse hat.

Again, super hot. It almost gets to the point where I'll be disappointed if I don't get the freaking awesome flaming crutches.

But I'd really rather have healthy bones and hip joints. I swear I could just scream.

(now I'm mentally designing my Halloween costume)

Stress & Anxiety

The stress right now is almost unbearable. I'm not sure what to do, I'm not sure how to fix this.

I don't know if it's the possible loss of my hip, or the pain, or both but I feel so lost. I see a long road of my body being dragged through more medical trauma. It would be nice if medical problems were like doing a test. You know when test is over and then you can head in a new direction.

Where's my fucking closure? I'm not sure how long I can keep living this half life. This life isn't my own, it's not the one that I built. It's what I have been given by default.

I feel seized and like I can't take a step. I can't finish things, the thoughts and steps to do them float around in my head but never gel.

There is no space for me here. My sons are 15 and 16 now. My life in my household has no place for me at all. There is no space to paint, there is no space to hang work. It's not functioning. Teenagers and girlfriends are all filling the house so I have to retreat to my room.

Being a mom, well, single parent, is getting more challenging everyday. We have lost the connection we once had. They were my little boys and now they are young men.

I am so tired. Parenting after having had cancer can be maddening. You want the best for them, you do your best for them but conflicts are unavoidable. They are just kids and don't understand what I'm going through. They don't know all the thing I live with day to day.

Something isn't right here and it needs to change.

From Oncology to Award Ceremony

MRI Me, Baby!

I have my important gallery opening tonight where they're going to pat me on the back for my photo but all I can seem to do today is stress. I'm meeting some friends later and my son who are coming with me to the opening and I should be excited. I'm sure I'll have a lot of fun.

The problem is I have a long awaited appointment today with an oncologist. I've been doing well and had graduated from having to travel to Vancouver all of the time. This doctor is coming here because we don't have any bone marrow specialists here on the island. I'm lucky that I only have to have these appointments every 6 months now. Traveling to them before was such a huge chunk of my life and I had it all down to a fine science.

Seeing him/her here and the fact that it's someone I don't know is making me feel like a fish out of water. Especially because there are problems.

When I go see him/her I need to discuss the problems with my joints and let him know that I need an MRI asap. My GP is worried about my hip pain and so am I. It has eased off a little pain wise but it's still there. Because the x-ray was inconclusive they need to look inside of me to see what's going on.

MRI me baby.