Lady in Waiting

Where is my life? Fuck. I am getting so fed up with patiently waiting to get better. I waited for a year trying to find out what was wrong with me, I waited through all my chemotherapy for the day it would be over, patiently sitting in a chair for 6 hours a day attached to a pole getting chemo, blood and liquids. I waited 6 weeks to find out whether my brother was a match for my stem cell transplant. I anxiously waited 9 weeks in total for my hospital incarceration to be over and then waited for 100 days as an outpatient so I could go home again. I waited for my medications to be taken off, especially my steroids because they made my life hell. Finally I began to see an improvement.

Then I was put back on the steroids as the graft/vs/host began to wrack my body and my liver. I waited in great pain for my graft/vs/host scarred vagina to have surgery and then waited to heal. I waited for the chemo brain to clear. I waited another year to be taken off the steroids again and waited another year for the negative effects to wear off. Now I wait for the new medications to work so I can sleep normally and be able to work again, to get back to my life.

I think the hold button is stuck.

I worked so hard all summer and months before to build my strength so I could start putting the pieces of my life back together. I thought for sure I could be ready to get back to work by the end of the summer. No such luck. My GP gently said, "No". She wisely stated that I would crash and be set completely back, I have to get my sleep deprivation under control first.

I was heartbroken.

I have worked so hard to get there. Where? Anywhere. This is not me. Waiting and hoping and hoping and waiting. I am a person of action. I fix things. I tackle mountains. This is bullshit.

My Dr. was right, I would crash, I'm not capable yet. I guess I'm glad that she stopped me because I would be crushed if I tried to get back to work, failed, ended up in much worse shape and wrecked my employers confidence in me.

A lot of what my GP has been doing with me is improving my quality of life while I cope with the physical hurdles. Now Why does writing that make me want to cry?

Maybe it's just that kind of day?

So again... I wait.