My friend said she feels discombobulated and I realized this was the perfect word to describe how I feel. I'm suffering from the "now what?" phase of life after cancer. It isn't helping me, knowing how normal it is.
I feel like I was carrying a detailed puzzle which I had spent my life carefully building and someone knocked it from my hands. The pieces lay around me now and I don't know where they go.
Photo, July 2006
Despite my best efforts, I'm not able to work and my memory is sketchy. Some days are better than others. I struggle and try but I don't know which steps are forward and which steps are back anymore. I trip and fall over my own attempts at sorting a new path.
It's hard to focus and regain control of a life where there is no control. Control is an illusion which I used to hold onto with a death grip. It's ironic that once death is presented, that's when you realize what a farce it all is...and you begin to let it go.
So how do you build or rebuild a life with no solid foundation? How do you move forward when there may be no tomorrow.
I've never been one to fail. If I could just get these damned pieces off the floor.