Monday, February 11, 2008

Discombobulated

My friend said she feels discombobulated and I realized this was the perfect word to describe how I feel. I'm suffering from the "now what?" phase of life after cancer. It isn't helping me, knowing how normal it is.

I feel like I was carrying a detailed puzzle which I had spent my life carefully building and someone knocked it from my hands. The pieces lay around me now and I don't know where they go.

Photo, July 2006

Despite my best efforts, I'm not able to work and my memory is sketchy. Some days are better than others. I struggle and try but I don't know which steps are forward and which steps are back anymore. I trip and fall over my own attempts at sorting a new path.

It's hard to focus and regain control of a life where there is no control. Control is an illusion which I used to hold onto with a death grip. It's ironic that once death is presented, that's when you realize what a farce it all is...and you begin to let it go.

So how do you build or rebuild a life with no solid foundation? How do you move forward when there may be no tomorrow.

I've never been one to fail. If I could just get these damned pieces off the floor.

5 comments:

Kelly Kane said...

First of all, fabulous picture.

Secondly, I don't think I was the one said used that word - but it sums me up well too!!!

And thirdly, you just gotta put one foot in front of the other. I know it's tough, but you can do it! And there IS a tomorrow!

Miss you!
XO

neil wiernik said...

I know what you mean rosanne...I wrote some thing similar on my blog a few weeks ago... things that were so important before now seem silly like I was asked recently if I was going to buy any RRSPs this year, at first I was thinking yeah I should then i thought with what and then I THOUGHT what for??? I know it sounds grim and I know whats going through your mind if grim but you didnt we both say in an email to each other that we were both going to prove the doctors and their stats wrong... well we are both of us and others like us also... but just be forgiving of your self some days will be better working days then others..... remember baby steps small baby steps be mindful of the rosanne version 2.0 figure out what she can and can not do make the according adjustments do what you can do not what you think you should do...
:)

One Mother with Cancer said...

I think that we have all felt the way you do at one point in our recovery. But you are right, things that seemed so important at one time in our life, we now know it's just not that important.

Step One: Don't sweat the small stuff.

Step Two: It's all small stuff!!

Don't worry you'll find your way.

Heather C. said...

I felt that way, and some days I still do, but I had my husband to help when i hit the point When i was better but didn't know where to go from there.

We made a list of goals, and debts (not necessarily monetary), and picked one of the debts, and just started chipping away. For us, that was my medical bills.

I know you can do it!

lauren said...

Just letting you know that I caught up a bunch on your blog and your artwork and creativity is lovely. You will do wonderfully. I have faith. Some days the way is clearer than others.