I gained something yesterday. I regained the knowledge of my own strength.
As I sat ill and innocently sipping my tea I had a nasty verbal attack from someone who is less than an acquaintance. Basically, I was attacked because of his own fucked up personal life. He was projecting. I guess I looked all vulnerable and had a target on my forehead.
I crawled home wounded. As I lay in shock and dismay I called a couple of friends and wrote my last blog post. I cursed my single status because I'm alone and thought that this might be the end. Through all this cancer shit I've felt like I am losing myself. How do you stand strong under these circumstances especially when someone attacks that source of strength and will? I've been feeling an overwhelming urge to give up and curl up into a ball for the last little while, this didn't help.
I've been through a lot in life and thought I could fight my way through everything. Cancer? Bring it ON, I will kick it's ASS.
My own current weakness makes me sick.
Well, the next day I realized....I'm OK.
I am not crumbling, I am not dying.
I am still as strong willed as I was before my transplant. I am still me, under this puffy head and wuss of a body.
So, Fuck You Steve. I hope the otters crawl up to your home and chew out your eyeballs in your sleep.
The next person who tries to make me feel guilty about my illness be wary. Mention again that my kids surely resent me and think I ruined their lives for getting sick and you WILL lose a kneecap. You offered to go and ask them. I should have said, "Go ahead".