Monday, February 4, 2008

Loser

I gained something yesterday. I regained the knowledge of my own strength.

As I sat ill and innocently sipping my tea I had a nasty verbal attack from someone who is less than an acquaintance. Basically, I was attacked because of his own fucked up personal life. He was projecting. I guess I looked all vulnerable and had a target on my forehead.

I crawled home wounded. As I lay in shock and dismay I called a couple of friends and wrote my last blog post. I cursed my single status because I'm alone and thought that this might be the end. Through all this cancer shit I've felt like I am losing myself. How do you stand strong under these circumstances especially when someone attacks that source of strength and will? I've been feeling an overwhelming urge to give up and curl up into a ball for the last little while, this didn't help.

I've been through a lot in life and thought I could fight my way through everything. Cancer? Bring it ON, I will kick it's ASS.

My own current weakness makes me sick.

Well, the next day I realized....I'm OK.

I am not crumbling, I am not dying.

I am still as strong willed as I was before my transplant. I am still me, under this puffy head and wuss of a body.

So, Fuck You Steve. I hope the otters crawl up to your home and chew out your eyeballs in your sleep.



The next person who tries to make me feel guilty about my illness be wary. Mention again that my kids surely resent me and think I ruined their lives for getting sick and you WILL lose a kneecap. You offered to go and ask them. I should have said, "Go ahead".

13 comments:

Miss Melanoma said...

Nice. I love it. Essentially, my blog post was me realizing that I'm finally getting back to a place other than where your post was yesterday. I totally lost myself when I was diagnosed, and even a year after, even 6 months after the last scare, am still finding my way back. But you are standing strong and I can say honestly and unabashedly that I am proud to know you.

And thank goodness for you.

-MM

p.s. Thanks for all the comments! I love it when people double comment. I'm glad you like my hair... it's already different (now that I have lots of it, I change it way too often) but it's in the same vein. Or, in my case, vain.

p.p.s.- Send me your email, will ya?

Miss Melanoma said...

Me again-
Is Bobby not the most precious thing ever? I bawled, like crying hiccups bawled when I read his comment. It seems to be having that effect on people.

Kelly Kane said...

fuck you steve!

xo

Miribella Designs said...

I'm so glad you feel better about this. There are always people who try to build themselves up by making others feel small or worthless. Those are the most pathetic types of people.

neil wiernik said...

"Mention again that my kids surely resent me and think I ruined their lives for getting sick "
Is that what the bully said to you? OMG hes totally projecting, he is afraid of having kids and failing at being a father, this guy needs some serious therapy!!!
its funny as we did this exact type of scenario in
the healing journey program this week and you did well you worked through what was going on with him and why he said what he said... but dont waste your energy on being angry at him hes not worth it at all, you have much better things to sink your energy into like your self and getting better. :)
and please never feel badly for being single no matter what your situation is!!! Im single and you know what Im better for it, in my case I would rather be single then have someone beat the crap out of me after chemo because they were projecting and could not deal with me having cancer... I let that happen only once and before it was over I called the cops!!! I have no problem with being single as I know Im safe, I dont know your reasons for being single but what ever they are Im sure its for a good reason and please dont get down on your self for being so. like I have said over and over again it is what it is :)
out with the drama and in with the inner peace...
ok now Im sounding flaky but hey your from vancity your used to that sort of hippy dippy mentality ;)
hope your having a good day!!!!!!!!!!!

Heather C. said...

People who do that shit to others need to have their eyeballs gnawed out, and their skin set on fire. He's a rude ass. Just remember, even though you didn't say anything to him, remember that he has t live with himself, and he likely has few friends. People like that lose friends faster than they make them. I probably would have slugged him. But you did the right thing, if he ever comes to his senses, he will realize what he did to you, and will feel horrid.


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BratGirl97 said...

you go girl!!

stay strong. we are with you.

--J--

Cathy said...

oh my gosh - that guy really is a LOSER!! good on you for realising your own strength, and sending him packing!

One Mother with Cancer said...

WOW!!! I can not believe the nerve of some people. It's been a little over two years since my diagnosis, and I still have days that I can hardly function. But that's not my fault, it's not like I asked to be sick, and neither did you. So screw him, you don't need people like that in your life anyways.

Autonomous Artisans said...

OMG You are a star!

Up yer bum Steve! You're messin' with the uber woman now! She has super powers that you will never fathom, so crawl away back into your hole and get yourself some help because you surely need it!

BaldyLocks said...

I love you guys!

Real Diva Designs said...

Ewwwwww I just love it when your fiesty...gets me hot..hahahaha..now this girl I know..don't mess with her...your kids are great..screw him

Garnet said...

FUCK YA! You go girl!!!!! Fuck nasty people! (not literally, tho, cuz,..yuck)