Ouch. I am bleeding. I have dragged myself, wounded, home from my friends house. I dropped in for a cup of tea, as she was about to go out with a male friend. As they chatted, I quietly listened drinking my tea, not feeling well because I have a cold. I commented and felt a sharp dagger from this guy. My friend jumped in to my rescue.
The conversation went on and when my friend left the room it became sharper and another barb flew my way. I questioned it and the next thing he said was so hateful I was stunned. I didn't know what to say. I had started out by asking how he was. I have met this person several times but he doesn't even know me. As he said those things, I could see the hurt behind his eyes. What I had to do with it, I have no idea.
As I was leaving I decided, "fuck this, I've been through enough". I went up to tell him off but instead asked him if his words were directly aimed at me.
The point is, I didn't let it slide and I didn't tell him off.
I have come home and I feel so hurt. I hate that because of my chemo brain I couldn't find the words to be more eloquent in retorting his negativity. I hate that I was shaking when speaking to him. I hate that my body and emotions are so weak that I feel like I could crumble at someones words. I hate that I am bleeding now because of someone else's sour cruelty.
I wish I was seeing some hatefulness that wasn't there. Even as he said haltingly that it wasn't quite directed at me he still held his accusatory tone.
He said things which were intended to make me feel guilt at becoming ill. What he said was even worse than that. I hate that I felt like damaged cancer girl when he spoke to me.
I feel so small.