Ouch. I am bleeding. I have dragged myself, wounded, home from my friends house. I dropped in for a cup of tea, as she was about to go out with a male friend. As they chatted, I quietly listened drinking my tea, not feeling well because I have a cold. I commented and felt a sharp dagger from this guy. My friend jumped in to my rescue.
The conversation went on and when my friend left the room it became sharper and another barb flew my way. I questioned it and the next thing he said was so hateful I was stunned. I didn't know what to say. I had started out by asking how he was. I have met this person several times but he doesn't even know me. As he said those things, I could see the hurt behind his eyes. What I had to do with it, I have no idea.
As I was leaving I decided, "fuck this, I've been through enough". I went up to tell him off but instead asked him if his words were directly aimed at me.
The point is, I didn't let it slide and I didn't tell him off.
I have come home and I feel so hurt. I hate that because of my chemo brain I couldn't find the words to be more eloquent in retorting his negativity. I hate that I was shaking when speaking to him. I hate that my body and emotions are so weak that I feel like I could crumble at someones words. I hate that I am bleeding now because of someone else's sour cruelty.
I wish I was seeing some hatefulness that wasn't there. Even as he said haltingly that it wasn't quite directed at me he still held his accusatory tone.
He said things which were intended to make me feel guilt at becoming ill. What he said was even worse than that. I hate that I felt like damaged cancer girl when he spoke to me.
I feel so small.
7 comments:
I'm so sorry you had to deal with such a mean person today, it's totally not right that he treated you that way. Did the friend you were visiting know how much he upset you?
I hope you feel better soon, and I hope the cold goes away.
Ugh. I'm sorry this happened to you. I wish I knew what was said so I can offer more insight. Hope it's something you can forget about soon enough. :)
Dude, want me to kick this guy's ass? I will so kick this guy's ass. Fool won't know what hit him. Messin with us cancer survivors. I know he didn't.
-MM
What kind of a person makes YOU feel bad about being ill? You're the one having to endure it and then he guilts you? I mean seriously. Does he not know about kharma? Or me?
You need to tell your friend...if she is truly your friend..she would rip this guy a new one...or else give me his number and I will..how dare he. Some people are so insecure in themselves that they attack others..hes not worth your thoughts and don't waste your energy on losers...hope you feel better...
Bastard! Why are people so mean to us!!?
xo
you know and Im in NO WAY am defending this JERK OFF but people are mean to folks like us because they are afraid if what we have that it could just as easily been them. So rather then deal with their own fears they take it out on us in a form of anger or resentment. You know if these people had to only walk in our shoes (for some of us at this point its slippers ;)
even for a few hours they would begin to understand what it is to be some one like us. But like I have said a million times to the other fellow cancer warriors I have met in the last year, these people will NEVER understand until they have to go through what we have to go through. Personally I think if these scared people who treat us badly had to go through what any one of us have to go through they would crumble under the pressure from their own fear of the limbo land of cancer that we live in. Im glad that you approached it in a non angry manner to his face as fire with fire only creates a larger fire. sometimes as shitty as it is the fight is not worth it and its just better to leave with your open wounds and let this afraid person to continue living in his or hers ignorant blissful world until the one day that his karma comes around and kicks him in the ass as it will trust me. It might not be cancer that kicks him in the ass, but he will be forced to face his fears and lets hope what ever it is that he can even come inches close to the amount of bravery we all have going through what we do. Im not sure if Im making any sense at all but in my mind it makes sense so ask me questions if Im not making sense :)
regardless of my rant if I was not booked for tests this week and next (found a new lump, last week) :( I would hop on a plane just to give you a great big hug!!!!!!!!!!!
Just checkin in on ya, sister.
-MM
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