Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Photopalooza Day # I can't take waiting for my camera much longer without ending up in a mental institution for lack of a creative outlet

Crashing.

I'm not so much crashing as just thrashing for air. As a child I was quite wild but I threw spontaneity out the window when I had children. When I became suddenly on my own years ago I built a fortress of safety and stability around our lives. No undue risks were taken as I was that fortress of stability. My physical ability to take care of us was our insurance. I have always had plan A, plan B, plan C and possibly a plan D.

I never could have planned for what's happening now.

As I recover I'm constantly asking myself, "What can I do?" I'm also deflecting comments like,"You look good. Are you back to work yet?"

No. I'm sinking under the quiet chaos. The chaos of being unable, but trying to get plan A, B, C, D, E, F, and G into effect. I get lost not knowing which way to go, which one to choose.

I've never been at such a loss. If I knew I was going to get better, then I may know which way to go.

This doesn't mean that I'm not positive in my outlook. It doesn't mean that my "attitude" is lacking. It means that all the positive thinking in the world will not keep me with shelter and food for my family.

Strategic thinking will. Luckily I'm good at that.

1 comment:

neil wiernik said...

yeah I can relate to this it seems its a common thing people say to folks like us "you look great" "are you back to work yet" I think its due to a lack of knowing what to say.. its not really a rude comment or question but some how these words become rude to folks like us... I cant explain it. "are you back to work yet" my reply is I dont function in the same manner as I did before so Im trying to figure out how I do function now (ie what is my new "normal"), Im trying to modify how I do things based on how my body now works (to me that is really just another way of saying Im in rehab), but until I understand how my body now functions how can I go back to work as I dont know how to I work yet. my newest thing that is bugging me and I find super condescending is people commenting on my hair coming back, like its a miracle or some thing important... all I can think to myself is WHAT???? I just nearly lost my life and all you can think to say is "your hair is coming back in" but I think I discovered why people comment on that its simple if I look like someone who has cancer is makes them feel uncomfortable, but if its hidden from their view by me having hair again they dont have to be confronted by it....this makes me feel like we live in a society of COWARDS and to me that is more sad then almost any thing else that folks like you and I have to go through as really people are so afraid of what we have/had that they would rather push it under the carpet and forget about it by saying such things to us...