Thursday, May 15, 2008

Boys



I'm having a hard time believing my surgery will take this pain and sickness away. I feel like carp and am trying my best to be interactive with my family. I often have a long face, simply because of how I feel. It makes me feel like I'm putting out the vibes that I'm mad at them, which I'm not. Until I get super grumpy and my middle son says, "Holy, mom, you're so grumpy".

I've been reading to the kids at night and have been tucking them in to bed like sausages. I used to do that when they were little and they are still loving it.

I feel like my prolonged illness has left a hole. I was gone for six months full time and half the time, for several months after that. My boys were young boys and when I came back they were changed. They were becoming young men. Despite boys acting all independent, they still need their parents and unfortunately I'm all they have. I owe it to them to be here.

I'm here but my capabilities are not at a proper parenting level. It makes me sad for them. Their manners have been corrupted in the stress of me being away and I've missed out on many life lessons. They are good kids with good intentions but are slobs. I can't blame them, through all this trauma but we need to pull ourselves back together. Farting is NOT a joke. Burping is NOT appropriate. Rooms should be kept clean, dishes should remain in the kitchen.

But who am I kidding. All this work I've done to make them well adjusted capable human beings and now life is upside down. Of all the people I've talked to going through cancer recovery, none of them have been single parents of a large family. How do you heal when shit has to be done? I need someone taking care of me and I hate it.

It sucks and is shitty and crappy and whatever. Blah blah blah.

My sons are such amazing people. They deserve better than a sick grouchy mom.

8 comments:

rachel d said...

your boys clearly have a great mom who cares and loves them. That is what really matters.

And I have to say... I have a 19 year old brother, and even with two, pretty healthy parents... he didn't stop farting as a joke, burping as a joke until he discovered the land of the ladies...

my mom and I were on the phone yesterday... my mom found a plate shoved between the couch cushions... a plate! My mom taught him better... but it doesn't matter... the BOY just takes over I think.

But I also know how much it sucks to not get to be fully present for life...I can't imagine what that is like for a single parent with kids. Hopefully things will be on the upswing... that the surgery will help with the pain. But just know your kids are lucky to have you... I can't imagine being the female-leader of a pack of boys *laughs* you are a strong woman.

High Desert Diva said...

I think they are as lucky to have you, as you are to have them.

Farting, burping and sloppiness comes under "Boy territory" in my (observations of this strange species called men) experience.

Autonomous Artisans said...

Alright gorgeous? It's Jon posting as Lynne here.

In my opinion you are being way too hard on yourself. Those kids will always be your kids, no matter how old they get. Hell, I'm still my mum's "special little soldier", and I don't live with either of my parents! Looking after them and guiding them will continue for the rest of your life- it's the same for all people with kids.

Regarding the farting - I have news for you - it *is* funny :oD Even two year olds in the bath, who have no idea what farts are or where they come from find them funny. I'm almost 23 and I still laugh at farting. In fact, most days, I'll run to Lynne screaming as if in pain "pull my finger", and when she does, I let out a stinker. We both giggle. It's a natural bodily function that I think humans evolved to do, in order to cheer everyone up when times we hard.

Ok, so I seem to have written more about farts than I did about actual advice and reassurance. Umm, I guess 'cos thats 'cos I'm one of those 'boy' things.

At the end of the day, your kids love you and more importantly, you love your kids. That's way more important than manners or how a parent believes their kids should behave. I can remember *so* many times my grandma asking me "imagine you were round your friends house and did that! You'd never be invited round again" - I managed to get round this by acting differently when I was around family than when I was round at friends houses and such. I think your kids do that, not because they don't have manners, but because the feel relaxed enough to do it! I doubt they'd fart in front of the president or the Queen, but if they actually did, I'd certainly high five them!

BaldyLocks said...

OMG

You guys totally making me laugh.

And Jon, ewwwwwwww. Ha ha.

I've never seen so much brilliance in one comment section.

Jenny said...

Hope you are feeling better everyday. You are a great mom. I can tell just by reading your blog.

Keep your head up.

trinlayk said...

Yeah, even with two healthy parents the search for food wrappers, plates and silverware in the bedrooms... getting kids to clean their rooms...
is a constant battle.

My kid is a GIRL and it was some of the same issues... and I'm still picking up after her and nagging her to clean her room sometimes.

Choose your battles, save the energy for the ones that really matter. (food in bedrooms is a hazard, but merely messy isn't so much so.)

Oh and fart/belch jokes are universal and particularly enjoyed by the male of the species...at ANY age.

Quirky said...

hey dearie, I'm not sure if you remember from the post on Etsy for linking blogs..quite a while ago but i still have you linked!
Be strong and courageous, dearie. God is always with you and for you.
And your boys are lucky to have you. You're great! You are doing your best and that's all that God needs to know :)
Love you. Take care! :)

Michelle J said...

Hiya, i am sorry i missed it, when are you having your surgery? I'd like to pray for you if that would be OK? Please let me know my friend!!!
Michelle