Thursday, May 15, 2008
I'm having a hard time believing my surgery will take this pain and sickness away. I feel like carp and am trying my best to be interactive with my family. I often have a long face, simply because of how I feel. It makes me feel like I'm putting out the vibes that I'm mad at them, which I'm not. Until I get super grumpy and my middle son says, "Holy, mom, you're so grumpy".
I've been reading to the kids at night and have been tucking them in to bed like sausages. I used to do that when they were little and they are still loving it.
I feel like my prolonged illness has left a hole. I was gone for six months full time and half the time, for several months after that. My boys were young boys and when I came back they were changed. They were becoming young men. Despite boys acting all independent, they still need their parents and unfortunately I'm all they have. I owe it to them to be here.
I'm here but my capabilities are not at a proper parenting level. It makes me sad for them. Their manners have been corrupted in the stress of me being away and I've missed out on many life lessons. They are good kids with good intentions but are slobs. I can't blame them, through all this trauma but we need to pull ourselves back together. Farting is NOT a joke. Burping is NOT appropriate. Rooms should be kept clean, dishes should remain in the kitchen.
But who am I kidding. All this work I've done to make them well adjusted capable human beings and now life is upside down. Of all the people I've talked to going through cancer recovery, none of them have been single parents of a large family. How do you heal when shit has to be done? I need someone taking care of me and I hate it.
It sucks and is shitty and crappy and whatever. Blah blah blah.
My sons are such amazing people. They deserve better than a sick grouchy mom.