Sunday, May 25, 2008

EEEEEEK *blush*

Well, I don't know what to say about my last post. Thanks for all the amazing responses. I've never added up how much a month worth of medication costs because I didn't want to face it. Which is odd, because my life is all about budgeting. I'm a genius at living with little, but I'm not sure how to manage what is happening financially right now. I'm in a bit of a tight spot to put it mildly.

And I'm a bit embarrassed about my last post. I was going about picking up the turkey for my sons dinner and trying to stay calm and in control despite everything I have to do this coming week as well as my financial situation. I feel like I'm being pulled in two different directions at the same time without the extra money stress.

Happiness and joy for my oldest son. Sadness that my baby is now a man. Sadness that I've missed these last two years of his life by being ill. Weirdness because I'm too young to have a son graduating! I had him when I was still in high school. I promised him the best life ever which I've succeeded in many ways but I've also fallen short in many ways. I just can't believe my chance to do things for him is done. He is an adult now and needs to make his own choices.

I always knew I wanted to get him an amazing graduating gift to let him know, I believe in him and am proud of him. Unfortunately the bank account is empty.

The other side of this pull, is my anxieties about the surgery. Also travelling back and forth etc etc.

Coming back to my embarrassment of my last post, this is what happened. I was out picking up my medications and a turkey, came back home and took my afternoon medications. A short time after that I must have written my blog post. Then I went and curled up outside with a blanket and a pillow in my hammock. I felt great and ended up having a big nap which I never do because it usually makes me feel like hell.

Later I woke up and felt not quite awake but fabulous and dreamy. Later I realized I had taken my evening medication which included sleeping pills, rather than my afternoon ones. I'm not sure how I managed to do that because I have them all set out in a pill organizer.

I'm so glad I didn't drive anywhere because I had no idea what I had done. At least it led to a nice lazy afternoon...and a slightly baring blog post.

8 comments:

anne said...

My mom has been ill for the past year and a half as well. The worst of it was during my Senior Thesis exhibition (which was supposed to be like, the greatest thing ever!!!) but I can say that having her here is waaay better than any exhibition.

mary jane said...

hang in there..
things WILL get better.
mary jane

Joann said...

You know what, chicky-ma. Your son is getting a wonderful gift from you. he is watching and learning from his mother about perserverence in life. Everyone, I repeat, everyone will have trals and tests in this life, including our beloved children. He's going to remember how his mother fought and overcame her trial. He'll get strength for his trials from yours. I'll pray for your family and your surgery this week. Hang in there and maybe think about who is in control of our lives.
Take care,
Joann

Autonomous Artisans said...

'ello pickle.

We both love you LOADS!
:oD

Catherine Chandler said...

Your son's greatest graduation gift is already here. It's YOU! Alive and kicking ass. While it may seem like he wants more material possessions right now, deep down inside, he knows that he is so lucky to have a mom like you, who throughout all her illnesses has managed to give him a great life. And trust me, your time to do things for him is not over ;) He'll still need you for many years to come!

*hug*

Kelly Kane said...

I think a really nice thoughtful card or something would be totally appropriate for his present at this time. He understands that money is tough, don't stress my dear!!

XO

Anonymous said...

I know he sees your art work all of the time but perhaps a one of a kind hand painted/sketched card with a personal message would be an appropriate and way more meaningful gift than any material item. He's a baby adult so he knows that things are tight right now. He'll understand. Everything is tough right now try to focus on the time of bonding and not on the other types of gifts. He'd rather have you here bonding with him and have money worries than be sitting there wishing you could see him on his special day. You're here he is appreciative. Don't doubt that for a second even if there is pouting!

High Desert Diva said...

I've had company since Friday, so I'm just catching up.

I can't imagine the stress of the cost of your monthly medications! To say you have a lot going on right now is a major understatement.

I like Joann's comment re: what your son is getting from you. So true.