Saturday, June 28, 2008
"The purpose of life is living a life with purpose."
I heard that somewhere once. It seemed poignant at the time but now it seems pretty vague.
I suppose I read it as that because my life is a little vague right now. I seem to be living a strange half life where I'm not really here. I live in a beautiful place and opportunities abound here, but I'm not able to take part in them.
Everything I had planned and wanted for my future is off the table at this point. Travelling, working. I'm not really sure what to do. I had spent my entire 32 years before my illness digging down to the core of what I wanted out of life. I wanted to travel and live elsewhere in the world. I wanted to work in business overseas etc. etc. I don't think all that even matters now. I am kind of stuck where I am. No income, no physical stamina, no purpose. I physically can't get moving and mentally I'm in an emotional limbo. I didn't move for several days after the Stupid Cancer Show. I'm sure it was a little bit of a crash from all the trauma going on around here these last few weeks. And it seems to keep getting piled on.
My coping ability is thinning and fingered a guy who aggressively honked at me. The sunroof in the car turns out to be very useful. I never do that. I also asked a parent at my son's high school if she knew where the library was. I received the most snotty, "I'm not a teacher, I'm a parent." Drip some more snot on that and a little "you are such a freak'n moron" then you'll get the picture. I usually walk away from people who are intent on being rude and don't give a word back because, really, what would be the point? Next thing you know I said in a very sweet voice, "Some parents know where the library is" left a pause and then smiled and said, "not me though". Her response was to snarl her face up even more and say, "Well I try and know as little as possible".
I had to get another renewal on my handicapped tag for my car. The same day I also had someone I know decide that I am fine because, "I look fine to her." Everyone keeps saying how good I look recently and I'm just hoping that means feeling better will follow.