Tip For Surviving a Stem Cell Transplant #136.2

Beware the agitated health nurse bearing needles.

Health nurses, in my experience are generally genteel and centered women. They reek of empathy and tend to make you feel as if your particular well-being is something they think about when they go to bed every night. Their calming energy leaves you feeling at peace with the world despite the momentary unpleasantness of the shots they administer.

In contrast, the Agitated Health Nurse may give immunization shots like she were playing competition lawn darts on speed.

BEWARE : Identifying the Agitated Health Nurse

If when she greets you in the waiting room she fails to make eye contact, take note. This is the first sign. Second, if when she brings you into the pink and yellow "Happy Room" and begins to buzz around like she's not sure where to go next you may have found, the Agitated Health Nurse. Her twitchy movements and the sound of crying babies just outside of the door confirms it. Unfortunately you are already in her lair of chaos.

At this stage all you can do is stay calm and as quiet as possible. Any questions or sudden movements will only prove to agitate further. If possible, fall onto the floor motionless. With any luck this will convince her you are dead or in need of serious medical intervention. If she has a guilt complex and comes to the conclusion and that she caused your death then you have the best scenario possible. Likely it will be as simple as getting dragged out the back door to the dumpster, and to freedom.

In my case she didn't buy the dead act and proceeded to brutalize me with the shots. Maybe I should have slipped her one of my old Ativan.