Friday, June 5, 2009
I'm feeling pretty good.
Certainly far from perfect but functioning in a way that feels like being let out from an extended vacation inside a stuffy cramped trunk. There has been a weird and sudden change for the better (says my body, not my blood work). Three weeks ago I was pretty fragile and still stumbling over my own feet. My hands were still dropping things and refusing to do anything requiring fine motor skills. I also spent a lot of time being painfully exhausted.
Then the other day I took my son spelunking for his birthday (I'll post the photos later). I was just SO determined that after three years I could do that for him again. I went into the caves and explored until I fell and hit the rocks. It was pretty embarrassing especially since my arm was paralyzed for the next ten minutes and I was trying my best to look like I was alright.
I was so excited that I actually made it in and out of the caves! Alive even! So the other day I went to walk some trails at the base of a local mountain. I was walking and next thing I knew my stubborn streak kicked in. I climbed the damned thing! I stood at the tallest point where I could see the entire city, the ocean and the Rocky Mountains. I felt like a fucking rock star.
So, I went up it the next day and the next and then my sons came with me and I did it again! When I went up there the first few times, I literally didn't know if my legs would bring me out again. They tend to collapse if I'm tired.
But suddenly it's like I've been given some fantastical super powers. Something simple that most people take for granted feels like an Olympic achievement. NOBODY on that mountain is as happy or as proud as I am. NOBODY.
I feel like I can fly.
Tomorrow morning I'm heading out on a road trip. I might make it or I might not. I might be high on my own adrenaline but as long as I have this window of opportunity I'm running for the hills. AWAY from the damned hospital, AWAY from my constant bloodwork, AWAY from the fucking hospital tests and AWAY from all this sick cancer grossness.
Best case scenario, I make it and keep on feeling better. Worst case scenario is I go back to feeling like I was, but then I at least took my chance while I have it. It's a win-win situation.