The psychology of the mind is a fascinating thing. I just walked in my door after having a tooth fixed and paying $200 for it on my credit card. Two hundred dollars I don't have, that is.
As I came in I checked my mail and found a vintage pattern which I'd ordered off of Etsy. I opened it, cranked up the radio and danced and jumped all around the house. I had an actual, %100 real burst of energy! I did kind of a dancy jumping jack and spun my hoop around and basically jumped and jumped to the music.
Getting a burst of energy wouldn't be so remarkable if it wasn't the first one I've had in about 4 years. I'm excited! I'm excited about being excited and excited about having an outpouring of bouncy energy! How exciting.
Sigh. I'm so happy I could be dancing on rainbows and unicorns. I know that sounds crazy but I do. I made some tea, grabbed my sketchbook and began scribbling all of my crazy ideas.
I've been having such a hard time because of the sleep medication switching and all of August has been a bust (not a burst). What a waste of a perfectly good summer. It's all in the name of moving forward, though. I hope this new feeling is signifying a turning of a corner. If it is then I will call this forever more the Turning the Corner Day.
Of course it's a lot more reasonable to assume that I will continue to get better in an ebb and flow. I always think of healing, emotional or physical like the tides of the ocean. Even when the tide is coming in, the waves lap forward and back again. Relapsing is all part of getting better, it will pass.
Somehow in the last couple of days I've had a breakthrough of sorts. The last several weeks have been so sad for me as I wait to get functioning again. The first few weeks of the medication switching left me waking up in the morning and not being able to move all day. Not being able to do the housework, not being able to lift the hoop. I was winded from getting up off the couch or bed. Lethargy is so unnatural for me but has been my prison for over 3 years.
I have felt like my mental wheels are spinning but not gaining any traction. I have a mounting list of things I want to do, life is waiting for me to get up off my ass! I have artistic projects I want to get to, paintings that need to be done and ideas begging to be realized. All I could think of was that they will never get done. Ever.
Failure is my new reality.
I've been feeling depressed and had ugly new feelings of envy and severe loss. I've never felt envious of anyone before.
I think I've gotten through the things I have in my life because I always take a good hard look at negative feelings and try and find the source. Being overwhelmed, anger, fear, depression are all good feelings because they are big signs that are telling you something is wrong. Well, for me anyway. A friend of mine confirmed this belief when I mentioned the strangeness of feeling envious of others. She said, envy is like a map, which really lines up with the ideas in my own personal coping strategies.
I can usually sort my way out of the things that are causing me to feel whatever crappy emotion that's plaguing me. I posted on a forum about feeling like my life is weirdly empty, mostly so I could see it myself. I chatted with a couple of people and had an Oprah, Aha moment. It suddenly became clear what I need to do.
I need to be around others who are creating and instead of telling myself that I have too many ideas and I could never possibly do them, I just said yes. I want to sew some clothes but don't have a sewing machine, that's okay, I'll borrow one. I want to make some things out of wood, go for it. I want to jump off a cliff into the river, of course! I want to paint, yes, yes, yes yes yes.
I am being so much kinder to myself by saying yes. Next thing you know I am dancing around the house!