Tuesday, September 22, 2009

A Wee Bit O' Late Night Rant

Burning the midnight oil, as usual. One, twenty, am. No biggy really. Not sleeping just means that I have pain, can't cope, remember, read or be employable. Who needs all that crap anyway? It's just glitter gravy on top of this uber fantasmic thing we call life.

Can you detect my late night sarcasm? It's all true to a point but, damned, if only I could get BACK TO WORK. I am FREAK'N FED UP! If the doctors put the kind of effort into helping me sleep as they did keeping me alive then I'D HAVE A FUCKING JOB. Why do they take my symptoms so lightly? I feel like when I explain it to them, they do a mental check and think, "Hmmm. She had AML. She's shit, damned fucking lucky to be alive."

If someone who didn't have cancer had severe insomnia to the point they couldn't work, they would figure out what's up, ASAP. But I guess since I had cancer then I should just be skipping along with a stupid grin on my face and chant how lucky I am to be alive.

"I'm so lucky, I'm so lucky, I'm so lucky..." Lucky, my ass! Cancer don't equal lucky.

Cancer never equals lucky.

I may just have a regressive toddler-esque fit and throw things... or maybe tomorrow will be better?


Jens said...

When I have a cold and my throat is scratching I can not sleep well for two nights.
After those two nights I'm not able to do anything . And this are only two sleepless nights!
I can imagine that it is much harder for you.
Yes, you're right. Sleep is the key.
You'll find sleep again. Trust me.

P.S.- I'm glad you're alive. And many others too, I think.

Cami said...

I'm glad you're alive too!
What about trying out a new doctor? Sometimes that's hard, but maybe you need someone with fresh ears to really listen.

Daria said...

Oh I so agree ... no lucky in cancer ... not even a little lucky.

BaldyLocks said...

I don't mean to complain but occasionally it's good to let the frustration out, especially at 2:00am.

Not sleeping is crazy hard, yes, I will sleep again, Jens. Thanks for the reminder. It will all sort out eventually.

IckyDog, my GP is trying but my oncologist doesn't care as long as I'm alive. The sleep problem is being worked and we've gone through different steps to fix it but it's such a long drawn out process with small improvements. I just want to be fixed NOW. I think I would like to see a sleep specialist since I now know there is such a thing.

hockeychic said...

I am so sorry that sleep continues to be a problem. I have been having some problems sleeping lately and my doctor suggested taking melotonin. I don't know if that reacts with any of the meds that you are on but maybe that might be worth a try?

Very, very glad you are alive and you are right, there is no luck at all with cancer. FUCK cancer.

Ronni Gordon said...

Sleep is so important. Have you tried good old Ativan? It works for me. Hope you get to the bottom of it soon.

Unknown said...

Is there any way that you could do a work from home data entry or stuffing envelopes for employment? I know it may seem minimal, but perhaps it could be something you could do to kill time and earn money while you are recieving your treatments.

BaldyLocks said...

My oncologist told me melatonin wasn't safe for a transplant patient and hasn't been proven to work in transplant patients. I originally took ativan but that would only give me 4 hours of being knocked out. After a while it didn't work as well anymore. I guess I got used to it.

I haven't come across any at home jobs I could do yet. I'm certainly open to the idea, though.

Thanks for everyone's concerns. I'm sure this will all get sorted out eventually.

Firelily Jewelry said...

I think oncologists (and other specialists) are pretty focused on their particular area.

Maybe your GP would be the best person to get referrals to a sleep clinic or something like that.

Just double check with your oncologist to make sure any drugs/procedures they recommend don't conflict with the treatments you've taken for cancer.

Good luck ... I can't imagine how much it must suck! Rita.