Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Fuck the Bad

I took my life into my own hands today by going in for bloodwork a week early. I refuse to be left to live in fear of a cancer recurrence. I might as well know what the hell my body is doing, right? Screw living with my head in the sand, if something bad(or not bad) is coming my way, I'll be facing it.

I'm sure this burden will be lifted when my results come back improved. So far I have had mini freak outs about;

*a paper cut,


*Mrs.Monthly showing up for the first time in a year or two(not supposed to be having that at ALL),

*and heart burn.

Like every other person who has had cancer knows, these little things can really fuck up your day. I really don't show emotions about this stuff, the best I can do is write about it. I just know that living, feeling like there is a gun to your head in a sick game of Russian roulette is no way to exist. I know some people practice a fundamentalist form of denial but I just can't go there for a lot of reasons. I need to know.

On other topics, I took these photos to add to the Flikr Bloganista pool. I also took up a kind woman on her offer to do a psychic reading for me. It felt like overcoming a little hurdle for me. Pre cancer I had had opportunities to get physic readings for fun with friends but for no particular reason I had this deep underlying fear of someone saying that I was going to die or tell me I was going to get cancer. I always refused to go. This is probably directly related to some terrible personal experiences from my past that I hadn't gotten over. Whatever. I felt mostly confident that she wasn't going to tell me I was going to die. Imagine being her and seeing that though. What would you say to the person? *awkward!*

Despite all that I can't say I specifically believe in anything other than what I can empirically or scientifically prove but I do have an exceedingly open mind! This is what she sent me;

You're very dependable, trustworthy, and studious. You love nature. When you see something you like, you will go for it. You're sensual and charismatic.

Good things coming your way, but some travel plan might be delayed. You are where you are right now because of your hard work and you earned it. A time for success or prosperity is coming your way. There might even change in residence or moving to a new place.

When you face problems, try to use cleverness to turn tide in your favor :).

She only does readings out of personal interest when she has a little time and she never charges for it. I think it's a very kind gesture to do something like this for someone you don't even know. More evidence that people have wonderful hearts.

The great part is that the next evening I sold 4 paintings!


Caroline said...

How cool! Selling paintings, positive news! I completely agree about taking things into your own hands. Why wait? You are in control.

PS Will she do a reading for me?

Anonymous said...

Congratulations on the sale but even more so for taking control of things to combat your fears! *hugs*

Elly Lou said...

Ass slaps all around for selling paintings (and rockin' those fantastic gloves). Blood work and scans are always the worst. Fingers crossed and happy thoughts your way.

naw said...

you go take control of the situation Ive done exactly the same on many occasions its better to feel like your on top of things then sitting in your head worrying. that is amazing 4 paintings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
your so awesome!!!!!!!

Dawny said... glad to hear your paintings have sold yayyy

sending you reiki hugs


Dennis Pyritz, RN said...

Happy New Year! I am working on improving my blogroll- Cancer Blogs - at Being Cancer Network where your own blog is presently listed. One of the things I want to do is to improve the 800 blog entries, making them more useful for readers.

Check to see if information is correct. Please let me know your specific cancer diagnosis - the medical term. Also the year you were diagnosed and anything else you think is relevant for the listing such as a transplant. If you have written a book or memoir, I can feature it in a special Cancer Book List section. Please include the name of your blog in the email so I can put the information in the correct listing.

It would also really, really help if you could let me know of any cancer blogs that are not on my list. Thanks in advance.

Cancer Blogs I & II has been a very popular (over 8000 visits) and valuable resource for folks. It allows people to view what others with a similar diagnoses have gone through. And it brings additional attention and traffic to survivor’s blogs. It is helping to build a strong, vibrant community of survivors.

Please consider adding Being Cancer Network to your blogroll if you have not already done so. I am now following you on Blogged.

Please see my January 10 post - New Year’s New Face - for additional changes in the website. Wishing you a happy and healthy new year.

Dennis Pyritz, RN
leukemia & transplant survivor