Monday, January 11, 2010

Miss Forget Me Not

10:00am -Woke up & got out of bed. Feeling pumped and ready to whip my body back into shape by going to the gym. Life is good.

10:10am -Had my morning tea. Great start to the day!

10:30am -Started getting ready and figuring out what I'd need to wear and bring to work out.

10:45am -Have decided that I will take my ipod, drivers license so I can drive there, keys and a towel.

10:55am -put my items on the chair by the door while I put on my shoes. Simultaneously decide to take the paper recycling out to the big bin on my way out.

10:56am -Pause and worry a little about multi-tasking with my bad memory, decide HELL NO, I CAN DO A FREAK'N MINIMAL JOB LIKE THAT! I can do it! I'm AWESOME! I CAN MUTI-TASK! FUCK YEAH!

10:59am -Ignoring the obvious foreshadowing, dump the paper bin into the dumpster on the recycling side. Notice and get grossed out that it's full of garbage, not paper. Mumble in my head about the losers that don't care about the environment.

11:00am -Driving and at the stop light, do my usual obsessing if all the things I brought are there. Check the seat beside me... can't find my drivers license.

11:01am -Turn the car around and drive back home, pull into my parking spot, start looking all over the seat. As I am doing this a taxi pulls in next to me. The drug dealing neighbors are back.

11:06am -Go check inside the house. No drivers license. Check and check and check.

11:07am -The horror sets in.

11:08am -Use my recycling box to stand on so I can peer over into the big dumpster. Start rummaging through and pulling out the papers that I'd dumped in.

11:09am -Step in a moldy hamburger bun. Can virtually feel the germs crawling up onto my neck.

11:10am -Non drug dealing neighbor comes out of house looking like she's going to work. I smile and say hi while pretending I'm putting my recycling IN. Continue to pretend and smile until she drives out of the lot. Keep desperately looking through dumpster.

11:15am -Drug dealing neighbors who I watched getting arrested last week at gunpoint walk by and see me dumpster diving. I hear them snicker once they've gone by.

11:15am -Realize I've actually managed to hit a new low.

11:16 -Continue stomping on my pride while envisioning having to pay for a new license and drug dealing neighbors or underworld garbage man stealing my identity.

11:20am -Imagining all the credit cards and evil shopping sprees connected to my name.

11:23am -See my life flashing before my eyes.

11:30am -Drag all the papers I'd tossed, back into my house and began searching through them one by one.

11:45am -Seriously begin to panic and continue to go from house to car to bin to house to car to bin.

11:55am -Am about to lose my mind so hop in the car and drive to the gym. Go inside and work out.

12:30pm -See my son on his lunch break working out and give him my sob story. He solemnly nods and says, "That sucks". I feel much better.

12:31pm -Go onto the treadmill and crank up the music on the ipod. Decide that when I go back I will up the ante on the dumpster diving and WILL find my license. Feel comfortable that all will be well.

1:00pm -Pull back in my driveway ready to give it another go and then realize...

THEY HAVE COME AND EMPTIED THE FUCKING DUMPSTER! OMFG!!!!! MY LICENSE IS MADE OF PLASTIC AND WILL NEVER DETERIORATE! MAYBE IT WILL DROP OUT OF THE TRUCK AND SOMEONE WILL FIND IT! OR IT WILL POP OUT WHILE GOING THROUGH PROCESSING!! OR IT WILL SIT IN THE FUCKING LANDFILL NEVER FUCKING DETERIORATING, READY FOR SOMEONE TO FUCKING FIND AT ANY FUCKING MOMENT FOR THE NEXT FUCKING HUNDRED YEARS OR TO FUCKING OBLIVION!!!

1:04pm -Peer dejectedly into the bottom of the empty dumpster....

1:06pm -Looking all pasty and white with a blank stare, go inside stepping over all the previously tossed papers that are now spread all over the entryway.

1:07pm -Walk into my living room and see my license sitting on the movie I also forgot to take back.

27 comments:

Susan C said...

This is hilarious!

Erica Leigh said...

awww i'm so sorry! i'm just glad you found it. i would've been all paranoid/worried too. i hate it when things like that happen. :/

Caroline said...

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! That sounds just like something I would do. Yesterday I lost one of our house keys when I went for a walk. I am a complete space cadet these days... I went to the grocery store to buy eggs and a few other things. I forgot the eggs. If you find my mind, please semd ot back.

BaldyLocks said...

You guys are awesome :)

Anonymous said...

I couldn't find the bag of cat food that I bought one time. I had a friend come pick me up because I hadn't been released to drive at this point. All I needed was cat food and bubble bath. I enjoyed the outing but I was really tired when I got home. I cried and cried and called to accused my husband of hiding it to make me think that I was going crazy(Prednisone and Ativan make me a bit phsycho). He wasn't home during any of this time but logic wasn't winning at that time. My husband even brought another bag of cat food home with him - just to keep me from sobbing hysterically or tearing him apart or both.
That night I locked myself in the bathroom and decided to take a bath so that I could unwind.
That's when I found the bag of cat food in the tub.
Guess where I found my bubble bath?

Marie

BaldyLocks said...

Oh Marie, I feel your pain. Sometime I blame my sons for weird things and misplacing stuff and then later I decide that I had probably done it.

Neils Nodes said...

LOL... Im glad to find out Im not the only crazy paranoid person... I would have done the exact same thing as you... in fact I have gone through a similar situation but with my cell phone...it was in my pocket all along ;)
my most recent chemo brain thing is leaving my house keys in the front door all night, usually I find them when I realize at some point that some thing is missing, last time my landlord rang my door bell to ask me if I did that on purpose... ;)

BaldyLocks said...

Keys in the door? I've done that too. My usual chemo brain thing though, is leaving my car lights on and killing the battery then I have to find someone to give me a jump start. I try and ask someone different each time so they don't think I'm an idiot. So far I've asked 4 different neighbors and various friends. I don't know how much more my battery can take.

Bohemian Chic said...

OMG..you crack me up. Believe me when I say we have all had days like this..but when you write about it, I laugh out loud. My son leaves the keys in the door all the time and I find my remote in the pantry on a weekly bases. Glad it all worked out and a bit of hamburger mold never hurt anyone.

BaldyLocks said...

Hey, Ms Chic. You haven't had to jump start my car yet. You're on my list ;)

TheFrogBag said...

Haha! I'd feel bad for laughing, but you could easily be telling a story about me. A good friend of mine says that this sort of thing is a sign of high intelligence. I choose to believe her.

BaldyLocks said...

Your friend is wise, FrogBag. So very very wise.

Autonomous Artisans said...

I'm glad to hear I'm not the only silly ninny in the world. I'm forever doing things like this. When the panic sets in, I swear all reason flies out my ear, leaving nothing but a giant void in my head where the panic can breed.

The last time I did this was about 5 days ago when I couldn't find my wallet and managed to convince myself I had dropped it in the market. I'd turned the house upside down and couldn't find it anywhere, so I decided I better ring up and cancel my cards. I went over to the phone and picked up my wallet off the phone base before dialling the bank. When they asked for my bank account details I actually opened my wallet, took the card out and started to read out the numbers. Suddenly a light bulb pinged on over my head. "Never mind... I've found it" I rather embarrassedly said to the woman on the other end of the phone.

You are not alone!

Anonymous said...

Ms Baldylocks,

I have no idea who you are but I don't know what I would do without you.

MC

fookaDESIGNS said...

hahaha....that's TOTALLY ME! Ugh, I hate losing stuff...especially important stuff that make me freak out that my identity will be stolen forever!

Mary said...

what a day! i hope today is a better one ;-)

Mary said...

Oh man, that is awesome. But look at the bright side, at least you don't have to go tothe DMV to get a new one.

Absolutely Small said...

Ha ha! Oh, no! Well...at least your license wasn't really thrown out? Eh...there's just not much of an upside, is there? At least you have the good sense of humor to share this! ^-^ The day can only get better from here!

Keith (Mindless Pursuits) said...

Hahahaha! Rough day but the ending was worth it! Glad it all worked out for you but sorry you had the stress!

Sara Williams said...

So funny! That will teach you for multi-tasking! I can't do that anymore.

Jens said...

Ha ha. Brilliant description. Imagine that you are in Hamburg and Germans crawling up onto your neck.
Probably not pleasant too (because we have much more weight).

Dumpster diving. Haha.

I'm glad it went well.

Knotted Nest said...

We've all been there! Hey, at least they emptied the dumpster before you went through the whole thing again! I guess there's always a bright side;)

Dawny said...

Haaaaaahahahaha brilliant......

not for you at the time I guess

but brilliant :o)

(BTW keys in door, or even leaving door wide open is my speciality...and I aint on meds !!!)

marissa said...

I do that kinds of stuff ALL THE TIME

Sweetlife said...

Holy Crap!

Sarah Feather said...

wow, that totally blows leaving-the-keys-in-the-mailbox-and-not-being-able-to-get-in-the-house-because-you-can't-find-the-keys out of the water. and it makes leaving-the-coffee-cup-on-the-roof-of-the-car-and-driving-away look like nothing at all. that was the best laugh i've had all week! thanks for being brave enough to share.

sarah
www.carcinista.com

Anonymous said...

Hilarious......all that anxiety and stress and there it is right were you left it. We ALL do things like this it is just life!! I lost a hundred dollar bill before and looked through everything like you and was sick to my stomach and couldn't sleep and for days tore the house apart. Then a week later....came across it...I had put it in an evelope in my dresser draw (to this day don't remember putting it there????!!!) Glad you found it and can stop imagining what will become of your identity. Also hope those drug dealers....are put away for a long time soon. That is awful you have to live with that going on WTF.
Hope your day is going better and nothing gets lost!!1
keep smiling....Donna