10:00am -Woke up & got out of bed. Feeling pumped and ready to whip my body back into shape by going to the gym. Life is good.
10:10am -Had my morning tea. Great start to the day!
10:30am -Started getting ready and figuring out what I'd need to wear and bring to work out.
10:45am -Have decided that I will take my ipod, drivers license so I can drive there, keys and a towel.
10:55am -put my items on the chair by the door while I put on my shoes. Simultaneously decide to take the paper recycling out to the big bin on my way out.
10:56am -Pause and worry a little about multi-tasking with my bad memory, decide HELL NO, I CAN DO A FREAK'N MINIMAL JOB LIKE THAT! I can do it! I'm AWESOME! I CAN MUTI-TASK! FUCK YEAH!
10:59am -Ignoring the obvious foreshadowing, dump the paper bin into the dumpster on the recycling side. Notice and get grossed out that it's full of garbage, not paper. Mumble in my head about the losers that don't care about the environment.
11:00am -Driving and at the stop light, do my usual obsessing if all the things I brought are there. Check the seat beside me... can't find my drivers license.
11:01am -Turn the car around and drive back home, pull into my parking spot, start looking all over the seat. As I am doing this a taxi pulls in next to me. The drug dealing neighbors are back.
11:06am -Go check inside the house. No drivers license. Check and check and check.
11:07am -The horror sets in.
11:08am -Use my recycling box to stand on so I can peer over into the big dumpster. Start rummaging through and pulling out the papers that I'd dumped in.
11:09am -Step in a moldy hamburger bun. Can virtually feel the germs crawling up onto my neck.
11:10am -Non drug dealing neighbor comes out of house looking like she's going to work. I smile and say hi while pretending I'm putting my recycling IN. Continue to pretend and smile until she drives out of the lot. Keep desperately looking through dumpster.
11:15am -Drug dealing neighbors who I watched getting arrested last week at gunpoint walk by and see me dumpster diving. I hear them snicker once they've gone by.
11:15am -Realize I've actually managed to hit a new low.
11:16 -Continue stomping on my pride while envisioning having to pay for a new license and drug dealing neighbors or underworld garbage man stealing my identity.
11:20am -Imagining all the credit cards and evil shopping sprees connected to my name.
11:23am -See my life flashing before my eyes.
11:30am -Drag all the papers I'd tossed, back into my house and began searching through them one by one.
11:45am -Seriously begin to panic and continue to go from house to car to bin to house to car to bin.
11:55am -Am about to lose my mind so hop in the car and drive to the gym. Go inside and work out.
12:30pm -See my son on his lunch break working out and give him my sob story. He solemnly nods and says, "That sucks". I feel much better.
12:31pm -Go onto the treadmill and crank up the music on the ipod. Decide that when I go back I will up the ante on the dumpster diving and WILL find my license. Feel comfortable that all will be well.
1:00pm -Pull back in my driveway ready to give it another go and then realize...
THEY HAVE COME AND EMPTIED THE FUCKING DUMPSTER! OMFG!!!!! MY LICENSE IS MADE OF PLASTIC AND WILL NEVER DETERIORATE! MAYBE IT WILL DROP OUT OF THE TRUCK AND SOMEONE WILL FIND IT! OR IT WILL POP OUT WHILE GOING THROUGH PROCESSING!! OR IT WILL SIT IN THE FUCKING LANDFILL NEVER FUCKING DETERIORATING, READY FOR SOMEONE TO FUCKING FIND AT ANY FUCKING MOMENT FOR THE NEXT FUCKING HUNDRED YEARS OR TO FUCKING OBLIVION!!!
1:04pm -Peer dejectedly into the bottom of the empty dumpster....
1:06pm -Looking all pasty and white with a blank stare, go inside stepping over all the previously tossed papers that are now spread all over the entryway.
1:07pm -Walk into my living room and see my license sitting on the movie I also forgot to take back.