I'm searching for strength today. Strength to put aside the fear and lunge into making these art shows real. Painting and creating is one thing, tying them together and writing about it to put out into the world is a whole other thing. Once people are invited and my visual thoughts are placed on a white wall there will be no hiding. It's a lot like being in a space with a lot of critical people and slowly stripping your clothes off to be bare, all your flaws and vulnerability showing.
What will they say?
Being an artist is one of the most difficult things I've done in my life. The facade we build to protect ourselves from the world is dropped and our hearts are hung on the wall.
Would you say that you think someones child is an ugly baby right in front of their mother? Well the general public loves stripping an artists most vulnerable offerings and tearing it to shreds.
I have stood by my paintings in the past to have the very fibre of their birth chastised and called out as, "not art", "I could do that with my eyes closed", "Is this what artists are doing now a days?" etc etc. Those are the bad parts that we fear when we place our souls on the wall for all eyes to see. What we cherish is the moment someone comes up and falls deeply irrevocably in love with the same painting that moments before was under fire. Seeing that painting go home with the right person is like watching your child go home with their soul mate.
The one show I am preparing is about my journey through cancer. I have been doing self portraits throughout these years of struggling to save my life. They are no small part of me. They contain the emotions, joys, fears, sorrows and rawness of just being.
There is one thing I'm very proud of and content with. They way I can put what is inside of me onto paper, canvas or words fills me with solitude. I am utterly thankful that there is no struggle there. I worked really hard for many years studying art with an open mind because I was determined to work through those layers of creating to get to the innermost part of me. My goal in art was always to be able to express the dark parts of me that no one sees. Having the ability to feel and express the innermost self has always been my objective.
I can only imagine what might be thought or said when my work is up and people gather. I need to cross through that fear and do it anyway.