Sunday, July 3, 2011

New Job

I applied for a new job and got it! It feels like everything has changed on a dime but for the better for once. I felt like my soul was rotting away here in my home. I wanted to be out doing things but I had nowhere to go. The first job that I went back to (after 5 years) has been really slow because it's the summer. My stamina is still low but improving and I think my excitement about where I'm going is helping tremendously.

The last few years an idea had developed about the atmosphere I'd like to be in. It actually feels somewhat essential rather than a choice. I need to be in a creative environment working with other creative people. A place where my skills are used and appreciated. Somewhere, where I feel charged up to get home and do some creative work like painting. I thought that would mean me creating that for myself and being self employed.

I tried to rent an itsy bitsy studio space a few months ago but it disappeared as soon as I applied for it. It felt like another small loss in a grand series of losses. I started feeling like there may never be a better space for me, or any place on this Earth. I feel disjointed and like I don't belong. I live in a beautiful neighborhood in the most desirable place in a very desirable city. Gratefully I live in social housing now which has kept us from being homeless but we don't fit in here.

The neighbors don't speak to us and everyone keeps to themselves where I'm used to knowing the people around me. The energy here is bad. I realized why people here won't talk to each other when I had the SWAT team surround my house because the person two doors over was selling drugs and had the neighbor on the other side of me subtly terrorizing me because my son put a millimeter ding on his car door. Our spaces are squeezed together and I have plenty of dings on my car door from the other neighbors and I paid him to have it repaired but this guy went ballistic and threatening. I had to request to move my parking space and avoid him until the day he was hauled away by the police for battering his family. Not so nice.

I'm sure most of the people here are probably nice but we pass by with no eye contact after me trying for 2 years to say, 'Hi' to them. It feels like an alternate universe living here. Beautiful yet as a small complex we are unwelcome.

This loss of feeling in control has hit me hard.

So applying for my first job helped me feel a bit better. Applying for and getting the second has made me feel useful again.

I work part time for a small local clothing design company that is far better than I could have imagined. Where I felt listless, I now feel energised. I'm scared of not physically being able to keep up but so far so good. I'm happy and I honestly can't say when I last felt that. I suspect it was two years ago before I moved here. I need to get out of this place. Getting out of this mountain of debt is going to be one hell of a struggle but at least I will be able to try.

I need to instill a feeling of confidence in me somewhere. I'm so happy to say it has started.


Caroline said...

Now that is some darn good news!

Jill said...

Great news and I hope you will enjoy your new job.
Don't feel bad about the neighbors as I live up in Sidney and I find even here most people keep to themselves. It is sad when people do not have the time to say hello or even give a smile...they need to slow down and take some time to live....I think we know what that is all about going through cancer..I now live every day to the fullest as long as I have my health. :)

Dawny said...

Yayyyyyyy great news ...the good energy is starting to flow ....

Go girl


Pretty Things said...

I'm go glad you got the job! And I understand what you mean about trying to connect with neighbors or even a neighborhood. I've been living in this small community for a while, but have yet to find a book club, or anyone really who would relate. Which is why I blog, I think!

Here's hoping your job brings you loads of cool people!

BaldyLocks said...

You guys understand the neighbor dilemma? I've never lived in a place like this. I'm from a small town where people like to know each other and even when I lived on the outskirts of this city I had a few conversations with people. Maybe it's city living? I think it's sad not being friendly to the people we live beside.

Yay me! :) I'm so happy about it.

LindaSue said...

Yea for the new job and the beginnings of a way out of your neighborhood! I wish you every success.

hockeychic said...

Yay for the new job! I'm so happy for you!

I have lived in my current neighborhood for five years. The neighbors across the street barely acknowledge me. I introduced myself to the people next door and that went's an odd feeling. I feel invisible. I do know that someone turned us in for having our Christmas tree out for the garbage and they didn't collect it (they did the year before but then changed their rules). So we got a warning from the city. I just wish someone had talked to me about it instead.

Anyway, this news is just great and I'm so happy for you!

Douglas Glenn Clark said...

I admire your courage and defiance. I too am a cancer survivor. I wish you every success and blessing.
Douglas Glenn Clark

Steph R said...

You need to update “The Adventure List” ‘Become Employable’ because girl you did it.

BaldyLocks said...

Whoop! I do need to update the adventure list! My favourite thing has been checked off!