Things are moving so quickly. I have been getting habituated at work. It's been hard and hard on my body but I love it. I love being needed again. I love that I fit in.
I figured out the source of my extreme anxiety and stress. There had been an accident with a tiny neighbor child weeks ago and I was the first one one the scene. I was quick, calm and efficient but I did not know if the child was alive. I had just gotten ready for work and was boiling some water for tea when it happend and I heard the screams from the mother.
I ran out side with my phone and called 911. I attended the scene and helped as much as I could. Then when the paramedics came I went to work. It all spiralled down for me from there. Miracle upon miracles, the baby is okay. I have seen her smiling little face since and cannot believe she was alright. She had fallen on a spike that went 3cm into her little head right next to her eye. It somehow just punctured her nasal cavity and when she gets a little older there may hardly be a scar.
As for me my memory tanked and I couldn't concentrate at work enough to remember anything. I began making mistakes and feeling like I was going to be fired. Anxiety took me right over and I didn't want my kids to be out. My heart has been quickly pounding over next to nothing. It's unbearable at times.
Well, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The recent accident wasn't the cause it was just the trigger. The original trauma came when I was a girl. When I realized what was happening to me I felt a little better but it still continues. I'm hoping there's something that can be done.
As for work I'm glad to know it wasn't the reason I've been faltering so badly.
I do know that I need to build confidence at work and probably in life in general. Being unable to work for 5 years really affects your psyche. I often find myself second guessing my own judgment. I ask a lot of questions but now I realize I need to work things out for myself and know that I can come to the answer on my own. It's so weird. I feel like I'm reliving a part of my less secure life. I had times when I was young and made mistakes but grew into an intelligent woman who knows how to take care of things.
Feeling insecure is not something that I want to continue. As a person I am very confident and I know soon I will feel that in regards to work too.
"Just a bump in the road" is what a friend would say. My cancer would be just a bump in the road. Some bump.