Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Bone Marrow Apathy

Sorry I haven't posted the last couple of days. I've been much too busy shopping and going out for lunch etc. etc. A girl just can't have too many pairs of shoes.

I wish. I've actually just been too tired. This Bone Marrow Transplant business is just SO hard to recover from. When did I sign up for this?

Ok, so yes, I did in fact sign up for this. The Dr's do in fact give you a very graphic education before they give you the choice of whether to do the transplant or not. I die or do I take the transplant? This may seem like an easy decision, but it isn't. The recovery process is brutal and life changing.My body has been altered right down to my DNA. And quality of living... It's important.

So, if you are questioning my "attitude" because of my occasional apathy, you can think of it like this.

I have a glass which is half full, NOT half empty. But if you see there are many other glasses which need my attention. There is a glass which is for taking care of myself. This includes getting dressed, bathing, taking my pills, getting sleep, going for walks, attending Dr's appointments, sleeping, nurturing my mind and the occasional Starbucks mocha. (and of course, my blog)

There is a glass for getting groceries, paying bills, filling out forms etc.

There is a glass for taking care of my kids (bottomless....)

A glass for housework, laundry, cooking....

A glass for nurturing friendships....etc......

There is not enough to go around. I am often too tired to drink or eat. That's why I have the Meals On Wheels, bless their hearts. The most basic thing I HAVE to do is take my meds or the jig is up. I have to decide every day what I do because it is so limited. I do try to do things which give me some peace or happiness. Sometimes laundry actually is it.

This blog is the one accomplishment I have in the day. I dream about painting again, running, dancing....This stuff can't be done from my bed. My muscles won't let me.

Not sure where I'm going with this. I guess I'm just saying, I'm tired.


Anonymous said...

You are inspirational. Seriously.

Kelly Kane said...

Dear BFF,

I was going to start stalking you because you had been away too long!!! I've missed you! And hang in there, do something that cheers you up... and ya know what, you could probably paint from your bed if you wanted to... maybe start with some paint by number :)

You're the awesomest, and please email me if you just need to chat. I can call you and tell you jokes or umm draw pictures on my face and send you pictures?

XO!!!! Don't forget, Charlies Angels!

JennyBunnyEtsy said...

I wish I could come help you.... I'd do it.

It's funny.. Well, not really, but I just got my bill from my hospital for my surgery I had.... To prevent my odd little cells from turning into cancer.... And I'm bummed. Insurance isn't covering any of it. I'm alive, but in debt..... Life is so weird.

You are TRULY inspirational....

Nora said...

One day, One hour, One minute, One breath at a time. You can do it. As the other commenters said you are inspiring people all around you! You will be up painting and dancing as soon as your body is ready. Take care.

Bohemian Chic said...

My you have a lot of know what they say about a girl with glasses..hehehe I have know you a long time girl...if anyone can fill those glasses back up it's you...your a super hero..the original Bone Marrow go girl!!!

BaldyLocks said...

Thanks everybody! Your comments have brought tears to my eyes. I'm such a wuss now. It must be the influence of my brothers stem cells....I'm sure he's a closet crier.

Just Kidding Bro!

And painting and dancing....that sounds divine...

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your lovely comments on my blog. Funny how artists and like-minded peeps just come together when the timing's right.

Skully said...

*hands over a jug full of water* Here you go!

I have M.E. which causes me to feel tired a weak lots of the time, so I can in part relate to what you are saying. It's taken me a long time, but I've learned my lessons from this stupid condition. The main thing it's taught me is to allow people to see my weaknesses. What I tell people when they ask me "is there anything I can do to help?" is "Yes you couldn't just get my shopping for me please?" or "could you fold the laundry could you please?"

When I first got sick I stubbornly refused help, because I wanted to prove to myself and everyone else I could cope and that I was strong. Then someone very wise told me that to allow them to help me was allowing them to feel useful when the fact that they knew they could never cure me made them feel so helpless.

I learn to not be so stubborn and allowed some of them to fill my glasses when I was unable.

Take support in whatever form it is offered even if it's only online moral support.

*hug* feel better soon!