Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Blood Work #184,332

I did my 10 minute walk today, over to the hospital lab to get my bloodwork done for the 372 thousandth time. Again, I saw someone new and again I asked for it to be taken in an alternate location to save my veins. I refrained from giving the same old stupid, lame, "so I won't look like a heroin addict", joke.

Lab Tech: Her mind boggles and she says, "Well where in the heck DO you want me to take it from then?"

Me: I pointed again to the crook of my arms where most bloodwork is done on most people and stated again, "Anywhere but here".

Lab Tech: "Okaaaaaay." and for the millionth billionth time I hear, "You don't want it in your hands do you? That reeeeaally hurts".

Me: "Well maybe you've only ever taken blood from WHINY CRYBABIES before?"

or "Well, you've obviously never met me before. I eat pain for breakfast, honey"

or "When faced with this amount of impending agony, I just ask myself, what would Chuck Norris do?"

Lab Tech: Oblivious to my inner monologue, "I've never met anyone who's ever asked to have it done in their hand before because it hurts soooo much"

Me: "Well, I'm training to be on Survivor"

Me: In my outside voice, "I've been having this done for three years. It's really not a big deal", and begin to tell her the details of what works best where, to get blood out of me. I then tell her I've just graduated down to once a month blood work rather than every two weeks.

She laughs! Figures someone would finally laugh when I don't give my usual dry joke.

She then proceeds to strangle my hand with the big blue elastic and braces me for it, "Ready???????? Little poke", which I always swallow and sigh thinking, "Gimme-a-break"

I suppose at that point I could have said, "Actually, I'm a fainter"

I think next time when I hear the same things said again for the 40 bazzillionth time I'll say,

"No problem, I'm a masochist and I quite enjoy it, do you freelance?"


T@PoppyPlacePdx said...

Yep, I am with you on that one. I always say now, take it out of the hand. I get that, "are you serious" or "the they know better look" which pisses me off. Sometimes I let them try just to prove my point, they will never get anything out of my arms, it is a bit of twisted fun but worth the gloat when they come up dry.

Hope your blood results come back glowing (not in a radioactive way :) T.

BaldyLocks said...

Ha ha! I'm glad I'm not the only sick and twisted one ;)

I've seriously been tempted to learn how to do it myself, especially when someone is really bad at it and they grind and twist the needle in my vein hoping to strike blood. Grrrrrrr. When they do that I want to take it from them and say, "This is how you do it..."

When blood work is done properly, it really doesn't hurt.

PS: No lab technicians were harmed during the making of this blog post.

Caroline said...

And then there was the time in the ER where the idiot dug in to the back of my hand for ten minutes before giving up and getting another rocket scientist to put in the IV on the inside of my wrist - where I had it the entire 5 days I was hospitalized. I go with the back of my hand when I can.

Ann aka ButDoctorIHatePink said...

Hah! I posted something similar recently.

I have to laugh about how 100% of them say "little stick" before they do it. I don't think they can move the needle forward unless they say that. :)

Sweetlife said...

It is nauseating...ugh. I am with you! So aggravating. Bloodwork is bad enough, but starting an IV for scans makes me anxious ahead of time....I hate getting stuck so many times (I have a mediport that they can't use for most scans or if I am just there for bloodwork)

In my fantasy we alternate....one of us holds the tech down while the other repeatedly gives their veins a "little stick" over and over again.....hey, just a dream of mine....I'm ok.