Saturday, March 20, 2010

Lazy and Behind

Still recovering as usual from my Vancouver oncology appointments. I swear there's not a lot that takes it out of me like that. On top of that, the boys are home for two weeks for spring break. Again, we are the only ones home, not having grand adventures during the break. I feel so bad that I'm not able to give more to my sons other than my undivided attention. I did have to go over for another one day appointment and my youngest came with me. It's nice for him to see where I go and what I have to do to stay healthy and alive.

We had a good day and wandered around Granville island. We even went down town to go to the zip-line in Robson square but there was a three hour wait! We were too tired and unwilling to waste our (my) precious energy on it when we could go to several other fantastic zip lines with no waits. We are outside, adventuring kind of people.

I really hope that one day I have the energy, health and finances to go on a camping trip with them before they grow up. It's been so long since we've done such a thing.

We're pretty happy, though, in general. All my at home time has been fantastic for our relationship. I am SO proud of my boys and the way they are turning out. They seriously rock, and I am lucky to have them.

So I will ride this out and hopefully be functioning again soon. I'm so tired of the two steps forward, one giant months long set back. This life of mine has to be fixable or manageable at least.

I hate falling off the planet for weeks at a time. Today was a true day of rest, though. Somehow I stayed in my pajamas all day and sat on my patio that all the people walking by on the street. They like to take a good look when the walk by and it makes me feel very uncomfortable.

So I'm slowly working on some commissioned paintings. It fantastic to feel useful again, even though this has been taking months due to my health setbacks.

I dream of a day where there will be no setbacks and I can just live my life with out paying the physical consequences.

I spent five and a half hours today on the computer today, completing a photo shoot I had to do for a friends business. Thank goodness it's done. Now just several more projects for other people until I can work on my own things again.

I swear, I never cease to be baffled about how much time everything takes me these days. When it comes down to it, the time with my sons is more precious to me than anything in the world. Being there for them is such a privilege that I know could be taken from me at any moment.

It's hard to be cancer free when you know that once it comes, it never quite leaves you. I'm haunted.


John said...

Having 2 little girls at home I understand everything you say about time with your boys! Keep on trucking you are doing great! People are staring because of your beauty right!

BaldyLocks said...

Well, that's' a nice thought but I think they're staring because we are like fish in a tank. The sidewalk is slightly above my yard/patio area and whatever I'm doing when I'm sitting out there is for all the world to see. They can also see straight into my livingroom. I feel like we're on display in a department store window.

Elly Lou said...

Haunted is the perfect word. Hugs.

Jens said...

A former girlfriend of mine had a similarly exposed apartment. There, I often felt a little uncomfortable. It could come to surprises ( in certain situations). That bothered our privacy very much. That was annoying.

Your boys have a good mother, and I'm sure they know it.

Sweetlife said...

I can relate Baldylocks ~ the short periods of living I am able to do come at a high price....and I am haunted by it as well.

That said, I know we both treasure the time we are able to get out and be in the world....not resting at home or in a hospital bed. I am outrageoudly happy that you and your son got out together and enjoyed the day!!!