Sunday, July 31, 2011


Love has begun to be a thing that's simply a curiosity to me. Something that seems such a stranger that it's like an object I'd like to poke with a stick. I don't know if I'd even know how to do it anymore.

I see others in their relationships and it seems artificial to me. I see very authentic love and but it's like learning how to speak another language only from learning by a textbook but never hearing it. Or like having the wind brushing against your skin described to you without ever having felt it.

It's just been a damn long time, survival has been my only agenda for 5 years. I've noticed that people like to refer to someone single as being, 'desperate'. I've heard that many times but it doesn't make real sense. I like being on my own. Being single doesn't make one desperate.

I have thought about love and dating over the years. I've contemplated making a date to start caring about it, like maybe next year? or maybe in the summer or maybe in 3 months, yet those dates never seem to arise. Life has been so incredibly painful since cancer, why would I want to share that? I still end up having days of excruciating pain from graft vs host and I like to hide when I'm not well. I don't like anyone to know about it, I don't like anyone seeing it. I feel like and animal that crawls into it's den when it's ill, I'm not all that into sharesies.

I don't share communal food (like at parties), I don't want to share germs by being so close to anyone. The last few years has had my life on the line and I won't take chances being exposed to strangers. I was barred by my doctors from going on busses, movie theatres, airplanes etc for that exact reason. I don't want to have to explain what's happend to me, why I get so tired, explain what my limitations are or open up to anyone about having to have surgery on my vagina. It sounds like a complete nightmare.

It doesn't help that my previous loves left me hanging. I've never had someone that is by my side for me, would stand up for me, choose me over others or give me some emotional safety. I have learned through trial and error that the only one I can count on in life is myself. I can count on me, I will never betray myself or abandon myself. I believe in me. I can show myself kindness. I can get myself the things that I need.

I never want to be sitting in a hospital again clinging to life wondering, watching the door for him to walk in. Realizing that the person I had loved isn't bothered that I may die.


Caroline said...

Don't give up on love.

BaldyLocks said...

Caroline, you're like a little voice of sanity. I'll try :)

Ronni Gordon said...

It was very brave of you to write so honestly. Sounds like our situations are similar in some ways. I have been divorced for many years and had a series of unsuccessful relationships, including one that lasted four years and ended when my "friend" bumped into his high school sweetheart and dropped me right after my father died. Shortly after that I relapsed. Like you, my focus has been on my health. I'm not looking anymore, but I still remain open. You are so young, beautiful and talented, perhaps you can find a compromise between being totally closed to the idea of love and actively seeking it, i.e. staying open to whatever might happen. In either case, someone might find you anyway!

LindaSue said...

I LOVE the way you write and how brave you are to share these thoughts with the world. I hope someday your true love finds you.

survivor girl said...

First off, I want to commend you ~ you are such a bright, shining star. Your blog is beautiful...filled with such an incredible array of the human experience. You have tackled every bit of it with such grace. A true inspiration.

In only a few ways, I am similar. I have always had physical health, but have been "sickened" in other ways as seen here in my blog:

The healing that leads to a healthy relationship is very complicated. I'm still not there and really appreciate just having myself. I wish there was some recipe I could share to make it all better. Your wonderful words really ring true for those of us who walk along with you through the relationship/"love" dilemma.

You are a beautiful, strong, talented woman. I draw strength from all that you have become in the midst of so much turmoil.

Back in the day, I thought this song was rather harsh. Not so much anymore...

Tracy Chapman's "All That You Have is Your Soul"

Oh my mama told me
'Cause she say she learned the hard way
Say she wanna spare the children
She say don't give or sell your soul away
'Cause all that you have is your soul

Don't be tempted by the shiny apple
Don't you eat of a bitter fruit
Hunger only for a taste of justice
Hunger only for a world of truth
'Cause all that you have is your soul

I was a pretty young girl once
I had dreams I had high hopes
I married a man he stole my heart away
He gave his love but what a high price I paid
And all that you have is your soul

Why was I such a young fool
Thought I'd make history
Making babies was the best I could do
Thought I'd made something that could be mine forever
Found out the hard way one can't possess another
And all that you have is your soul

I thought thought that I could find a way
To beat the system
To make a deal and have no debts to pay
I'd take it all take it all I'd run away
Me for myself first class and first rate
But all that you have is your soul

Here I am waiting for a better day
A second chance
A little luck to come my way
A hope to dream a hope that I can sleep again
And wake in the world with a clear conscience and clean hands
'Cause all that you have is your soul

Peace and love.

Nancy's Point said...

You're right, you are the only person you can truly depend on, for now. Some day that might change, stay open to the possibility. Focusing on yourself right now sounds totally reasonable and right.

hockeychic said...

This is such an incredibly powerful post. I have re-read it several times.

You are an amazing person and you have been through so much. I like what Ronni said about finding a compromise between being totally closed and actively seeking love.

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